the eyes have this uncanny way of hooking you in. if you really look a person in the eyes, you can peer into his soul, his very person. you can see the emotions swimming in the those dark pools.
last night, while james blunt was performing "you're beautiful" on music show, eric said that blunt had eyes that could make any woman swoon - that innocent, hurt, sensitive look. then there are eyes which are accentuated by long lashes and piercing gazes. the kind of gaze that makes you feel as if you're being bored into, the kind that makes you scramble to hide whatever it is that you want to keep hidden.
you look at me. i see concern in your eyes, as if you want to hug me, shield me from the world.
you look at me. i see disdain and arrogance. i feel as if you hate me to my very core.
you look at me. i see you wishing that i were someone else. i see you asking yourself why it isn't me you like but someone else, someone you can't have.
you look at me. i see that you want to know what i'm thinking about. you want me to tell you but you also know that i'll say nothing's wrong, that i won't tell you anything that's really worthwhile. and that explains that tinge of hope, that glimmer of sadness and realization in your eyes.
you look at me. i see that you think i'm a nice person, that i'm hardworking.
you look at me. i see that you think i'm hard to read, that i tend to be judgmental.
you look at me, you see so many different things. but you never do really see me, only hints, shades, disguises, and half-truths.
i look at you. i think i see your emotions, what you want to communicate to me but do i really?
you look at me. i look into the deep pools and i want to drown into them. the emotion i see in them is so intense and piercing that it envelops me, warms me, scares me.
you look at me. i look into your eyes and wish there were more feeling, more answers. i wish i could see your thoughts by looking into your eyes. i wish i could see myself in your eyes. but i can't and i want to grasp something but i don't know what.
...it's all in the eyes...
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
traipsing around saturn's ring
for a psych major, i find it hard to read other people's actions.
for people who are natural comedians - the ones who always joke around and make people laugh - how do i know when you're serious? you say something and i don't know how to place it. i can't tell the difference between a joke and the truth. humor - could it be your defense mechanism?
for people who are always optimistic and happy, where do you find the energy? you enter the room and the entire place is lit up by your presence, your resonating laugh. where do you find the energy to always be funny? seeing you makes me feel as if the world is alright, that even if there were something wrong, you'd just laugh it off and it comforts me somehow, knowing that there are people like you.
for people who seem to take things too seriously, to feel things too deeply, why is it so hard to see things from a different perspective? is it because your feelings are too strong, your thoughts too fixed that you can't see that the situation from another point of view? sometimes, it's not just you who's hurting, it's not just you who's right. one has to learn to accept other views, learn that sometimes one's feelings is not the most important.
so many people. so many different personalities. some i don't know how to deal with. some i'm still trying to figure out. some i've forged a connection with. some i'd like to know more but due to certain circumstances i am made to be content with whatever there is in the present.
there's something special about every person i know. they have all touched my life, affected me one way or the other. they have made me think about others and about myself.
...traipsing...trying to figure things out...tyring to put a hand on it...with all the different sorts of people and personalities, will i ever find a concrete answer?
for people who are natural comedians - the ones who always joke around and make people laugh - how do i know when you're serious? you say something and i don't know how to place it. i can't tell the difference between a joke and the truth. humor - could it be your defense mechanism?
for people who are always optimistic and happy, where do you find the energy? you enter the room and the entire place is lit up by your presence, your resonating laugh. where do you find the energy to always be funny? seeing you makes me feel as if the world is alright, that even if there were something wrong, you'd just laugh it off and it comforts me somehow, knowing that there are people like you.
for people who seem to take things too seriously, to feel things too deeply, why is it so hard to see things from a different perspective? is it because your feelings are too strong, your thoughts too fixed that you can't see that the situation from another point of view? sometimes, it's not just you who's hurting, it's not just you who's right. one has to learn to accept other views, learn that sometimes one's feelings is not the most important.
so many people. so many different personalities. some i don't know how to deal with. some i'm still trying to figure out. some i've forged a connection with. some i'd like to know more but due to certain circumstances i am made to be content with whatever there is in the present.
there's something special about every person i know. they have all touched my life, affected me one way or the other. they have made me think about others and about myself.
...traipsing...trying to figure things out...tyring to put a hand on it...with all the different sorts of people and personalities, will i ever find a concrete answer?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
memory
had lunch at downey's with emma and nancy today. downey's is our favorite dessert and sandwich place. it has this really homey atmosphere wherein you feel as if you can just sit and talk for hours. i love their california vegetable sandwich (tomatoes, lettuce, a special kind of spread - might be mayonnaise, avocado, and alfalfa) [delish!] and white mocha cheesecake (pretty filling but absolutely sinful. perfect comfort food, plus their onion rings is pretty good too. it's been awhile since i've had onion rings. i used to have them all the time in canada, when we'd go to harvey's. brings back memories.
speaking of which, that was our topic of discussion over lunch, or rather after we'd cleaned the plates of dessert. it was interesting to know that everyone remembers things differently. we concentrate on different things. nancy focuses on the small details, the minor things surrounding the main object. so in order to remember the main thing, she has to start from the outskirts and slowly close in. but she says that she often cannot remember the main thing - what she wants to remember clearly. it appears hazy. but she can remember all the small details vividly. she says that it might be because she has a hard time remembering people's faces so she thinks that if by clearly remembering a certain feature, she'll be able to fill in the rest of the picture.
emma, on the other hand, remembers events through voices. she remembers what was said, the tone of the voice. it is from the voice that she draws the out the other details. so in her memory, the voice emerges most clearly, while the setting of the event, the people involved are just the background.
in my case, i remember events based on my emotions, how i felt in that certain moment. it appears as a sort of polaroid shot. i see myself from a third person point of view. there isn't any sound most of the time. like if i was talking to someone, i'd see the mouths moving but nothing would be heard. so memories for me are like seeing things from afar. me looking in on something. and i connect with it because i remember the emotions related, involved in each event, each memory.
i guess that we all put our focus on different things. but i was just curious. if we remember things differently, does that mean that how we see the world is different as well? i mean, like biologically speaking. how our brains function. it'd be pretty cool to research on. hehe
speaking of which, that was our topic of discussion over lunch, or rather after we'd cleaned the plates of dessert. it was interesting to know that everyone remembers things differently. we concentrate on different things. nancy focuses on the small details, the minor things surrounding the main object. so in order to remember the main thing, she has to start from the outskirts and slowly close in. but she says that she often cannot remember the main thing - what she wants to remember clearly. it appears hazy. but she can remember all the small details vividly. she says that it might be because she has a hard time remembering people's faces so she thinks that if by clearly remembering a certain feature, she'll be able to fill in the rest of the picture.
emma, on the other hand, remembers events through voices. she remembers what was said, the tone of the voice. it is from the voice that she draws the out the other details. so in her memory, the voice emerges most clearly, while the setting of the event, the people involved are just the background.
in my case, i remember events based on my emotions, how i felt in that certain moment. it appears as a sort of polaroid shot. i see myself from a third person point of view. there isn't any sound most of the time. like if i was talking to someone, i'd see the mouths moving but nothing would be heard. so memories for me are like seeing things from afar. me looking in on something. and i connect with it because i remember the emotions related, involved in each event, each memory.
i guess that we all put our focus on different things. but i was just curious. if we remember things differently, does that mean that how we see the world is different as well? i mean, like biologically speaking. how our brains function. it'd be pretty cool to research on. hehe
Sunday, April 23, 2006
making an effort to move on
what have i been up to these past few days?
- submitted a report* for my IJ500 class on what Japanese college students think about religion
- emailed the essay* for ufj to yoshida-san
- submitted my essay* for jasso
*all written in japanese (i can't believe it either. hehe)
- prepared (and still am preparing) for my report with peck-san tomorrow for readings in social sciences (an article about how starbucks korea is switching from paper cups to mugs)
- reviving the joys of email conversation (angel! ^0^)
- thinking about and analyzing emotions only to realize that you can't explain your emotions. they just are. you just feel and thinking about why only makes you more confused.
- bought three japanese books : one about teenage angst (teenage-mother relationship), one on how japanese youth look down on people or think they're better than other people, one on how nonverbal communication outweighs verbal communication (i loved the bookshop! it's the only i like in japan aside from the one in jusco atsuta)
- went out with tomomi today. she's a freshman at nanzan and she's from hiroshima. we went to the italian village, had pasta and gelato, and window shopped. dropped by at the dorm. we talked about guys (she was a bit surprised that kojima was a co-ed dorm), school, and basically everything under the sun. it was fun ^o^
- ate an omelette rice dinner with minestrone soup (yummy!). i'll miss omelette rice when i go home
- stared blankly at the pre-departure forms and felt sad and heavy all of a sudden, as if i wanted to cry.
- noticed that the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling shine brightly now, or maybe it's because these past few days i've still been awake at 3am
- talked to my mom (who asked me what books i wanted to buy) and dad who called me. they were at chapters. i wish i were in canada too. hehe
- realized that relationships can be fragile things, that i'd do anything to make a relationship go back to the way it was but realize i'm not brave enough to carry it out in action. the words just get stuck in my throat. and when i do something, it never comes out the way i planned.
- i've decided to not dwell on certain things coz i won't be able to function normally. so just live and let live i guess.
- submitted a report* for my IJ500 class on what Japanese college students think about religion
- emailed the essay* for ufj to yoshida-san
- submitted my essay* for jasso
*all written in japanese (i can't believe it either. hehe)
- prepared (and still am preparing) for my report with peck-san tomorrow for readings in social sciences (an article about how starbucks korea is switching from paper cups to mugs)
- reviving the joys of email conversation (angel! ^0^)
- thinking about and analyzing emotions only to realize that you can't explain your emotions. they just are. you just feel and thinking about why only makes you more confused.
- bought three japanese books : one about teenage angst (teenage-mother relationship), one on how japanese youth look down on people or think they're better than other people, one on how nonverbal communication outweighs verbal communication (i loved the bookshop! it's the only i like in japan aside from the one in jusco atsuta)
- went out with tomomi today. she's a freshman at nanzan and she's from hiroshima. we went to the italian village, had pasta and gelato, and window shopped. dropped by at the dorm. we talked about guys (she was a bit surprised that kojima was a co-ed dorm), school, and basically everything under the sun. it was fun ^o^
- ate an omelette rice dinner with minestrone soup (yummy!). i'll miss omelette rice when i go home
- stared blankly at the pre-departure forms and felt sad and heavy all of a sudden, as if i wanted to cry.
- noticed that the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling shine brightly now, or maybe it's because these past few days i've still been awake at 3am
- talked to my mom (who asked me what books i wanted to buy) and dad who called me. they were at chapters. i wish i were in canada too. hehe
- realized that relationships can be fragile things, that i'd do anything to make a relationship go back to the way it was but realize i'm not brave enough to carry it out in action. the words just get stuck in my throat. and when i do something, it never comes out the way i planned.
- i've decided to not dwell on certain things coz i won't be able to function normally. so just live and let live i guess.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
easter sunday
i went to church with eka today, and i got my first easter egg ^o^ i also saw some pinoys but i didn't get to talk to them much. i think they thought i was japanese. hehe.
after the mass, eka left to go to the indonesian mass at nanzan so i stayed behind with sabine and shio. we had a late breakfast of coffee (tea for sabine) and a margarine/chunky peanut butter/ banana sandwich. first, spread some margarine on a slice of bread than add banana halves. put a wallop of chunky peanut butter then cover the slice with another slice of margarine-spread bread. place in oven toaster for three minutes. it was pretty yummy though a bit heavy on the stomach.
sabine and shio talked about their hometowns respectively. sabine lives in bonn where beethoven was born, while shio is from futuna island (which is a french territory). he speaks futunan and french.
we walked around meijo park afterwards and sat on one of the wooden benches and chatted for awhile - about how japanese seem to store and hide all their feelings, about life in japan, future plans. at around 2:30ish, we headed to kfc where i had cajun fries and a garden salad. plus, shio treated us to vanilla ice cream cones. yum! ごちそうさまでした！
it was a pretty relaxing day, just hanging around chatting with friends. a lazy sunday. it was fun though. i'll miss moments like this - being able to talk to people from different countries, being able to communicate in a mix of english, japanese, and french. surreal ^o^
oh, and i got an email from ni =) they're having fun. they just finished their tour of las vegas and the grand canyon.
after the mass, eka left to go to the indonesian mass at nanzan so i stayed behind with sabine and shio. we had a late breakfast of coffee (tea for sabine) and a margarine/chunky peanut butter/ banana sandwich. first, spread some margarine on a slice of bread than add banana halves. put a wallop of chunky peanut butter then cover the slice with another slice of margarine-spread bread. place in oven toaster for three minutes. it was pretty yummy though a bit heavy on the stomach.
sabine and shio talked about their hometowns respectively. sabine lives in bonn where beethoven was born, while shio is from futuna island (which is a french territory). he speaks futunan and french.
we walked around meijo park afterwards and sat on one of the wooden benches and chatted for awhile - about how japanese seem to store and hide all their feelings, about life in japan, future plans. at around 2:30ish, we headed to kfc where i had cajun fries and a garden salad. plus, shio treated us to vanilla ice cream cones. yum! ごちそうさまでした！
it was a pretty relaxing day, just hanging around chatting with friends. a lazy sunday. it was fun though. i'll miss moments like this - being able to talk to people from different countries, being able to communicate in a mix of english, japanese, and french. surreal ^o^
oh, and i got an email from ni =) they're having fun. they just finished their tour of las vegas and the grand canyon.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
my day
i started the day fully rested. on thursday, i was feeling a bit winded down so i called mister donuts and asked if i could take a break. the manager told me that it might not be possible coz i hadn't found a replacement. so instead, i asked to start my shift an hour later.
when i got there though, the manager had already done almost half of the tasks i was supposed to do. he then told me that he had asked shimada-kun to fill in for me. all i had to do was the filling boxes, the kitchen floor, and the donut trays. i almost cried - partly from gratitude and partly from relief. i really didn't expect that he'd go out of the way to help me with my tasks and that he'd help me find someone to fill in for me.
i was almost finished with the filling boxes when shimada-kun arrived, somewhat surprised to see me. i was about to start on the donut trays when he told me that it was ok, really if i went home, that he'd finish my tasks. i went home then, after about half an hour of work.
but really, i can't describe just how thankful and touched i was by the unexpected kindness.
~0~
today was the last day of the reports, which were on the findings of the surveys we did. after class, i worked with ペックさん on the newspaper article for the readings in social sciences class (decided on the recycling article about coffee shops using mug cups instead of disposable cups). then at 3, i met up with keiko. she's going to america in august; thus, she wants to practice her english. she's pretty good though, being able to express herself fairly well. after that, i went to the computer room and ran into paul (who's from holland). i ended up talking to him for about an hour or so. he showed me pictures of holland (the most distinct one being a church that was red because of cow blood). he also told me this funny story about him mixing japanese with french.
one day, this guy calls the shop where he's working part-time at and asks about a trottinoir. Paul didn't know what trottinoir was and so he wanted to ask the guy to explain. instead of excusez-moi though, what came out was sumimasen which made the guy go huh? also, once the guy started to talk, paul replied with hai, hai instead of oui.
it really is confusing. it's like the languages are stored in different parts of your brain. if you can't find the word you're looking for in one language, your brain comes up with the word in another language, which is why when talking to nancy, emma, or eric i can't find the word in mandarin, i end up switching to japanese. or in the case of japanese, i switch to english. when nivart-san talks to me in french, my brain has to shut down the japanese area and ask the french area to operate (which takes so long. it's turned rusty from lack of use).
~0~
i headed to sakae afterwards to have dinner with nancy, eric, and emma at outback. here in japan, when you're on the waiting list at a restaurant, they give you this remote control like object (at ouback though, it was more of like a mini disc). the purpose of which is that you can walk around or stay in your car and when your table is ready already, the object will vibrate and light up. japan and gadgets - pretty cool ^o^
the dinner at outback was kinda pricey. i had shrimp and mushroom pasta (with the shrimp served on a separate plate), onion rings, and pinapple-ale (which was yummy - pineapple juice and soda). nancy, emma, and eric all had steak meals.
eric explained to us some cantonese expressions. it really is interesting how much language differs, how communication is possible even when people seem to making nothing but indistinguishable sounds. it also is fun how to translate things. direct translations often seem awkward; thus, one must always think of the context. it's quite mind-boggling.
~0~
overall, it was a good day today. lots of conversation exchanges.
when i got there though, the manager had already done almost half of the tasks i was supposed to do. he then told me that he had asked shimada-kun to fill in for me. all i had to do was the filling boxes, the kitchen floor, and the donut trays. i almost cried - partly from gratitude and partly from relief. i really didn't expect that he'd go out of the way to help me with my tasks and that he'd help me find someone to fill in for me.
i was almost finished with the filling boxes when shimada-kun arrived, somewhat surprised to see me. i was about to start on the donut trays when he told me that it was ok, really if i went home, that he'd finish my tasks. i went home then, after about half an hour of work.
but really, i can't describe just how thankful and touched i was by the unexpected kindness.
~0~
today was the last day of the reports, which were on the findings of the surveys we did. after class, i worked with ペックさん on the newspaper article for the readings in social sciences class (decided on the recycling article about coffee shops using mug cups instead of disposable cups). then at 3, i met up with keiko. she's going to america in august; thus, she wants to practice her english. she's pretty good though, being able to express herself fairly well. after that, i went to the computer room and ran into paul (who's from holland). i ended up talking to him for about an hour or so. he showed me pictures of holland (the most distinct one being a church that was red because of cow blood). he also told me this funny story about him mixing japanese with french.
one day, this guy calls the shop where he's working part-time at and asks about a trottinoir. Paul didn't know what trottinoir was and so he wanted to ask the guy to explain. instead of excusez-moi though, what came out was sumimasen which made the guy go huh? also, once the guy started to talk, paul replied with hai, hai instead of oui.
it really is confusing. it's like the languages are stored in different parts of your brain. if you can't find the word you're looking for in one language, your brain comes up with the word in another language, which is why when talking to nancy, emma, or eric i can't find the word in mandarin, i end up switching to japanese. or in the case of japanese, i switch to english. when nivart-san talks to me in french, my brain has to shut down the japanese area and ask the french area to operate (which takes so long. it's turned rusty from lack of use).
~0~
i headed to sakae afterwards to have dinner with nancy, eric, and emma at outback. here in japan, when you're on the waiting list at a restaurant, they give you this remote control like object (at ouback though, it was more of like a mini disc). the purpose of which is that you can walk around or stay in your car and when your table is ready already, the object will vibrate and light up. japan and gadgets - pretty cool ^o^
the dinner at outback was kinda pricey. i had shrimp and mushroom pasta (with the shrimp served on a separate plate), onion rings, and pinapple-ale (which was yummy - pineapple juice and soda). nancy, emma, and eric all had steak meals.
eric explained to us some cantonese expressions. it really is interesting how much language differs, how communication is possible even when people seem to making nothing but indistinguishable sounds. it also is fun how to translate things. direct translations often seem awkward; thus, one must always think of the context. it's quite mind-boggling.
~0~
overall, it was a good day today. lots of conversation exchanges.
excerpts
Taken from Roland Barthes' A Lover's Discourse fragments:
Gradiva
"Loving and being in love have different relationships with each other: for it is true that being in love is unlike anything else (a drop of being-in-love diluted in some vague friendly relation dyes it brightly, makes it incomparable: I know right away that in my relation with X, Y, however prudently i restrain myself, there is a certain amount of being-in-love), it is also true that in being-in-love there is a certain amount of loving: I want to possess, fiercely but i also know how to give, actively. Then who can manage this dialectic successfully? Who, if not the woman, the one who does not make for any object but only for. . . giving?"
Identifications
"I devour every amorous system with my gaze and in it discern the place which would be mine if i were a part of that system. I perceive not analogies but homologies: I note, for instance, that i am to X what Y is to Z; everything I am told about Y affects me powerfully, though Y's person is a matter of indifference to me, or even unknown; I am caught in a mirror which changes position and which reflects me wherever there is a dual structure. Worse still: it can happen that on the other hand i am loved by someone i do not love; now, far from helping me (by gratification it implies or the diversion it might constitute), this situation is painful to me: I see myself in the other who loves without being loved, I recognize in him the very gestures of my own unhappiness, but this time it is I myself who am the active agent of the unhappiness: I experience myself both as victim and as executioner."
The Unknowable
"I am caught in this contradiction: on the one hand, i believe i know the other better than anyone and triumphantly assert my knowledge to the other; and on the other hand, I am often struck by the obvious fact that the other is impenetrable, intractable, not to be found; i cannot open up the other, trace back the other's origins, solve the riddle. Where does the other come from? Who is the other? I wear myself out, I shall never know.
Reversal: "I can't get to know you" means "I shall never know what you really think of me." I cannot decipher you because i do not know how you decipher me.
To expend oneself, to bestir oneself for an impenetrable object is pure religion. To make the other into an insoluble riddle on which my life depends on is to consecrate the other as god.
Or again, instead of trying to define the other ("What is he?"), i turn to myself: "What do i want, wanting to know you?" What would happen if i decided to define you as a force and not as a person? And if i were to situate myself as another force confronting yours?
Gradiva
"Loving and being in love have different relationships with each other: for it is true that being in love is unlike anything else (a drop of being-in-love diluted in some vague friendly relation dyes it brightly, makes it incomparable: I know right away that in my relation with X, Y, however prudently i restrain myself, there is a certain amount of being-in-love), it is also true that in being-in-love there is a certain amount of loving: I want to possess, fiercely but i also know how to give, actively. Then who can manage this dialectic successfully? Who, if not the woman, the one who does not make for any object but only for. . . giving?"
Identifications
"I devour every amorous system with my gaze and in it discern the place which would be mine if i were a part of that system. I perceive not analogies but homologies: I note, for instance, that i am to X what Y is to Z; everything I am told about Y affects me powerfully, though Y's person is a matter of indifference to me, or even unknown; I am caught in a mirror which changes position and which reflects me wherever there is a dual structure. Worse still: it can happen that on the other hand i am loved by someone i do not love; now, far from helping me (by gratification it implies or the diversion it might constitute), this situation is painful to me: I see myself in the other who loves without being loved, I recognize in him the very gestures of my own unhappiness, but this time it is I myself who am the active agent of the unhappiness: I experience myself both as victim and as executioner."
The Unknowable
"I am caught in this contradiction: on the one hand, i believe i know the other better than anyone and triumphantly assert my knowledge to the other; and on the other hand, I am often struck by the obvious fact that the other is impenetrable, intractable, not to be found; i cannot open up the other, trace back the other's origins, solve the riddle. Where does the other come from? Who is the other? I wear myself out, I shall never know.
Reversal: "I can't get to know you" means "I shall never know what you really think of me." I cannot decipher you because i do not know how you decipher me.
To expend oneself, to bestir oneself for an impenetrable object is pure religion. To make the other into an insoluble riddle on which my life depends on is to consecrate the other as god.
Or again, instead of trying to define the other ("What is he?"), i turn to myself: "What do i want, wanting to know you?" What would happen if i decided to define you as a force and not as a person? And if i were to situate myself as another force confronting yours?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
you smiled at me
as i returned the tray carrying my finished meal of soba, the guy behind the counter smiled at me while saying "arigatou gozaimasu." his smile though, i was struck by it. it was the sort of smile that made you want to smile back, the kind that carried no pretenses. it was just a normal smile, nice and warm. perhaps, it was precisely because it was so genuine and natural that i was touched, warmed by its bareness, simplicity, and innocence. with that smile, i didn't have to second guess. what i saw was what i got. that brief exchange of smiles made my day.
it was that smile that made me snap out of the apparent reverie i was (am) in. in this reverie, i saw a small possibility and i grabbed onto it. doing so, i unconsciously peppered it with expectations. in some ways, those expectations were met and this only made me think that the conclusions i were making had basis. as i got sucked into this current, i unknowingly changed, molded myself to complement or please the other.
so now, i'm left "second questioning" my actions. i kind of feel like i'm suppressing a part of myself - leaving certain opinions unsaid, ignoring the half-felt yet at times unsettling comments. it's not like i'm rehauling myself, undergoing a 100% change. it's just that at times i feel i'm stretching myself too much, expecting too much and in turn, am just setting myself up for disappointment.
i guess i am learning about life ^o^ hehe. even if it makes me seem like this over-pondering boring person who seems to have nothing but problems. =P
~0~
this afternoon, there was a coffee hour welcome party. lots of freshmen students attended it. i met two new friends - tomomi and mai. i discovered that my japanese speaking skills have improved quite a bit compared to last year. i'm more talkative now. hehe. coz i can express myself more. pretty cool ^o^
~0~
i waited for around an hour at kanayama to buy a new commuter pass. there were lots of high school students. they seem to be a different sub-culture. putting up make-up (with these large carry-around mirrors), chatting loudly, and talking on cellphones. given the chance, i'd like to conduct a study on the behavior and thoughts of japanese high school students.
it was that smile that made me snap out of the apparent reverie i was (am) in. in this reverie, i saw a small possibility and i grabbed onto it. doing so, i unconsciously peppered it with expectations. in some ways, those expectations were met and this only made me think that the conclusions i were making had basis. as i got sucked into this current, i unknowingly changed, molded myself to complement or please the other.
so now, i'm left "second questioning" my actions. i kind of feel like i'm suppressing a part of myself - leaving certain opinions unsaid, ignoring the half-felt yet at times unsettling comments. it's not like i'm rehauling myself, undergoing a 100% change. it's just that at times i feel i'm stretching myself too much, expecting too much and in turn, am just setting myself up for disappointment.
i guess i am learning about life ^o^ hehe. even if it makes me seem like this over-pondering boring person who seems to have nothing but problems. =P
~0~
this afternoon, there was a coffee hour welcome party. lots of freshmen students attended it. i met two new friends - tomomi and mai. i discovered that my japanese speaking skills have improved quite a bit compared to last year. i'm more talkative now. hehe. coz i can express myself more. pretty cool ^o^
~0~
i waited for around an hour at kanayama to buy a new commuter pass. there were lots of high school students. they seem to be a different sub-culture. putting up make-up (with these large carry-around mirrors), chatting loudly, and talking on cellphones. given the chance, i'd like to conduct a study on the behavior and thoughts of japanese high school students.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
a hundred if's...
today was my last english conversation class at kurosaza. being so, i decided to stick with an interesting topic instead of attempting to teach set phrases and hypothetical situations. the topic i decided to go with was If.
If you could have a different job from the one you have now, what would it be?
If you could open your own shop/company, what kind of shop/company would it be?
If you weren't Japanese, which nationality would you choose to be?
If you had a super power, what would it be?
If you could go back into time, which time would you visit?
It turned out to be a pretty fun and interesting class. People start off with dreams and although life brings them someplace else, they seem to carry a piece of those dreams around. From the answers, i discovered that they had all sorts of different passions and interests. If given the chance, they'd change the major they took (which would lead to a different job), they'd take the entrance exam they never took. Dreams never do quite die, don't they? In a way, it's a comforting thought.
The answers ranged from soccer, music, space and NASA, to breadshops, Italians & Americans. An interesting answer to the super power question was wanting to be smart. When asked why, he answered that he wanted to calculate where space started and ended. That's the first time i thought of that - trying to calculate infinity. Of course, there was also someone who said he wanted the power to see through things (the reason given was that he wanted to look at women). Then there was someone who wanted to use super strength to win medals and earn money in the Olympics. Another wanted the gift of foresight or the ability to predict the future, which was also to earn money (like predicting the results of a horse race or the lottery).
Interestingly also, someone said he wanted to be an Italian if he weren't Japanese. Reason given was that Italians are good-looking =P Two wanted to be Americans. One chose to be Australian. I think I'd choose to be French...(still thinking of a good reason =P)
I'll miss the English classes at Kurosaza. Compared to Kojima Press, there were more jokes and the atmosphere was more homey. It was definitely a worthwhile experience.
If you could have a different job from the one you have now, what would it be?
If you could open your own shop/company, what kind of shop/company would it be?
If you weren't Japanese, which nationality would you choose to be?
If you had a super power, what would it be?
If you could go back into time, which time would you visit?
It turned out to be a pretty fun and interesting class. People start off with dreams and although life brings them someplace else, they seem to carry a piece of those dreams around. From the answers, i discovered that they had all sorts of different passions and interests. If given the chance, they'd change the major they took (which would lead to a different job), they'd take the entrance exam they never took. Dreams never do quite die, don't they? In a way, it's a comforting thought.
The answers ranged from soccer, music, space and NASA, to breadshops, Italians & Americans. An interesting answer to the super power question was wanting to be smart. When asked why, he answered that he wanted to calculate where space started and ended. That's the first time i thought of that - trying to calculate infinity. Of course, there was also someone who said he wanted the power to see through things (the reason given was that he wanted to look at women). Then there was someone who wanted to use super strength to win medals and earn money in the Olympics. Another wanted the gift of foresight or the ability to predict the future, which was also to earn money (like predicting the results of a horse race or the lottery).
Interestingly also, someone said he wanted to be an Italian if he weren't Japanese. Reason given was that Italians are good-looking =P Two wanted to be Americans. One chose to be Australian. I think I'd choose to be French...(still thinking of a good reason =P)
I'll miss the English classes at Kurosaza. Compared to Kojima Press, there were more jokes and the atmosphere was more homey. It was definitely a worthwhile experience.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
答えていただけないでしょうか？
i have to write a research paper (which i chose to do on religion) and report on it in class next week. thus, i spent the entire morning yesterday giving out surveys to japanese students and asking them if they were willing to answer it (which is what the title means: lit, can i receive the favor of you answering [this survey]). in japanese, the more polite you want to be, the longer the sentence becomes.
it struck me though as i was making rounds around the campus, searching for "victims" that the students at ateneo are friendlier. japanese students seem to have an arrogant air about them. some of them at least. they'd answer the survey but they wouldn't smile. they'd just like nod and stare at you, kinda clueless. i think that in ateneo, maybe it's because foreigners aren't such a rare thing in manila, people would at least smile. i think that's one cultural difference. while japanese are nice people (i have friends who are willing to go out of their way to help you), the general impression i get is that they don't open up to other people as easily and as much, more so foreigners. perhaps they're more clique-ish. it kind of seems you're on the outside peering in. though it's all very subtle, you kind of get this nuanced feeling that you're somehow being left out. thus, i feel that it's in the nature of filipinos to be more accomadating and warm. i feel that they're (in the case of college students at least) just more genuine in dealing with other people.
it struck me though as i was making rounds around the campus, searching for "victims" that the students at ateneo are friendlier. japanese students seem to have an arrogant air about them. some of them at least. they'd answer the survey but they wouldn't smile. they'd just like nod and stare at you, kinda clueless. i think that in ateneo, maybe it's because foreigners aren't such a rare thing in manila, people would at least smile. i think that's one cultural difference. while japanese are nice people (i have friends who are willing to go out of their way to help you), the general impression i get is that they don't open up to other people as easily and as much, more so foreigners. perhaps they're more clique-ish. it kind of seems you're on the outside peering in. though it's all very subtle, you kind of get this nuanced feeling that you're somehow being left out. thus, i feel that it's in the nature of filipinos to be more accomadating and warm. i feel that they're (in the case of college students at least) just more genuine in dealing with other people.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
all lit up
the cherry blossoms lining the main avenue of nanzan university are blooming. it was a welcome sight as i walked through the gates. moreover, there were actually people in the campus - as in japanese students! hehe. it's starting to feel more like a university again. i believe that this week is recruitment week for sports clubs and other clubs in general. there were lots of booths and people giving out flyers. it's almost back to school for the japanese, coinciding perfectly with the blooming cherry blossoms.
speaking of which, eric and i went to mizuho to see the cherry blossoms at night. eric caught a segment on tv which showed a lake with the cherry blossoms lining it all lit up. coincidentally, the person who cooked dinner for us tonight lived near the area and offered to give us a ride to the lake.
she dropped us off at the end of the lake. from there, we could see cherry blossoms but they weren't illuminated. they were still beautiful though. standing under the flowery branches, it was as if being shaded by soft pink petals. gazing up, all those delicate flowers seemed to be floating in the clear night sky.
walking further on, we were able to see the other end of the lake glowing. i stood on the bridge and just stared, mesmerized, at the cherry blossoms bathing in the warm soft glow of the lights, the water reflecting the gently curved branches lined with delicate pink petals. the japanese are so lucky, having the chance to see and appreciate such gifts of nature - even if it is only two weeks a year.
it's interesting how a certain scene looks different when seen behind the camera lens. from the shots eric took, i liked two shots especially. one was of a cherry blossom tree with a branch that slanted downward but curved slightly upward so that the lower branch seemed to be a reflection of the upper half. the second was of a tree trunk with green shoots stemming out from the center. i wouldn't have paid any attention to it hadn't eric decided to take a photo of it. from the camera lens, it gave off a totally different impression. amazing.
taking photos though can also be stressful. with every shot he take, eric had to let out a deep breath. one reason was that the film he used was expensive and it'd be a waste if the pictures didn't come out nicely. another thing was that the cherry blossoms were delicate and would sway with even the slightest breeze. in order to take a good picture, the scene had to be still. in the how-many-seconds or so it took to take the shot, he'd cross his fingers and hope that no wind would blow in that direction. i used to think that i wanted to take photography classes. now, i realize i neither have the passion nor the talent nor the patience. i'll stick with my simple click-and-go digicam and just snag (and appreciate) photos taken by the talented.
~0~
today, i learned (or realized) that though it isn't easy for me to open up to other people, it isn't impossible. by making an effort to share, you give friendships and relationships a chance to develop more and grow. i think that i've gotten so used to saying "nothing" when asked what i'm thinking about that it's hard for me to open up. and sometimes i say "nothing" so automatically that i inadvertently throw away a chance to share and talk about things.
there are things you do that you think are for the other person's good but you're actually just being selfish. sometimes, i get stressed when giving people advice. i'm afraid i might give the wrong advice or that what i say might be misconstrued by the other person. so, at times, i feel that it's better if i don't say anything. that way i don't risk saying the wrong thing. but taking this from a different perspective, what you tell the person might or might not help him. if the person follows your advice and fails, then you'll somehow feel as if it's your fault. on the other hand, you'll feel good if your advice yields good results. there's a 50/50 chance of both. so when i decide not to give any advice, it could be me being selfish, since i don't want to take the blame if my advice turns out to be wrong.
speaking of which, eric and i went to mizuho to see the cherry blossoms at night. eric caught a segment on tv which showed a lake with the cherry blossoms lining it all lit up. coincidentally, the person who cooked dinner for us tonight lived near the area and offered to give us a ride to the lake.
she dropped us off at the end of the lake. from there, we could see cherry blossoms but they weren't illuminated. they were still beautiful though. standing under the flowery branches, it was as if being shaded by soft pink petals. gazing up, all those delicate flowers seemed to be floating in the clear night sky.
walking further on, we were able to see the other end of the lake glowing. i stood on the bridge and just stared, mesmerized, at the cherry blossoms bathing in the warm soft glow of the lights, the water reflecting the gently curved branches lined with delicate pink petals. the japanese are so lucky, having the chance to see and appreciate such gifts of nature - even if it is only two weeks a year.
it's interesting how a certain scene looks different when seen behind the camera lens. from the shots eric took, i liked two shots especially. one was of a cherry blossom tree with a branch that slanted downward but curved slightly upward so that the lower branch seemed to be a reflection of the upper half. the second was of a tree trunk with green shoots stemming out from the center. i wouldn't have paid any attention to it hadn't eric decided to take a photo of it. from the camera lens, it gave off a totally different impression. amazing.
taking photos though can also be stressful. with every shot he take, eric had to let out a deep breath. one reason was that the film he used was expensive and it'd be a waste if the pictures didn't come out nicely. another thing was that the cherry blossoms were delicate and would sway with even the slightest breeze. in order to take a good picture, the scene had to be still. in the how-many-seconds or so it took to take the shot, he'd cross his fingers and hope that no wind would blow in that direction. i used to think that i wanted to take photography classes. now, i realize i neither have the passion nor the talent nor the patience. i'll stick with my simple click-and-go digicam and just snag (and appreciate) photos taken by the talented.
~0~
today, i learned (or realized) that though it isn't easy for me to open up to other people, it isn't impossible. by making an effort to share, you give friendships and relationships a chance to develop more and grow. i think that i've gotten so used to saying "nothing" when asked what i'm thinking about that it's hard for me to open up. and sometimes i say "nothing" so automatically that i inadvertently throw away a chance to share and talk about things.
there are things you do that you think are for the other person's good but you're actually just being selfish. sometimes, i get stressed when giving people advice. i'm afraid i might give the wrong advice or that what i say might be misconstrued by the other person. so, at times, i feel that it's better if i don't say anything. that way i don't risk saying the wrong thing. but taking this from a different perspective, what you tell the person might or might not help him. if the person follows your advice and fails, then you'll somehow feel as if it's your fault. on the other hand, you'll feel good if your advice yields good results. there's a 50/50 chance of both. so when i decide not to give any advice, it could be me being selfish, since i don't want to take the blame if my advice turns out to be wrong.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
stillwater
have you ever felt as if you were stuck someplace? everyone just seems to pass you by, going on with their own lives. they whiz past you. you try to reach out to them, to remove yourself from where you're rooted but you just can't. all you can do is stand there and stare at them.
it's so ironic that i can't help but laugh. i feel as if i'm trying to catch water. everytime i cup it up with both hands, it stays there for but a fraction of a second and disappears, trickles away to catch up with the tide. so all i have is a fraction of a second. even though it isn't enough, i can't be selfish. after all, a fraction of a second is better than nothing.
as much as i want to change the course of the tide, i can't. as much as i want to swim against it, i can't. it might be because i don't have the energy. it might be because i don't want to - what little i have, what little i am given, i hold that seemingly negligible chunk and clasp it tightly in both hands - perhaps so tightly that i am unwittingly crushing it into a million little pieces.
acceptance and contentment are best friends. they're always together. you won't find one without the other. i think it's about time i met the acquaintance of these fine friends.
as the water trickles out of my cupped hands, i feel the urge to run after what was lost, to trap it in a jar and lock it up tightly. then i realize that it would be useless. the water would only get stale. what isn't meant to be for me - will never be mine - so i should just let it flow with the tide.
i'm still watching the water course past me. i find that i still can't quite remove myself from where i am rooted yet. i just need a bit more time. there are times when i suddenly feel a deep sense of peace, while other times i feel confused and sad. i'm still questioning things.
maybe, that fraction of a second was all i needed and wanting more would just be selfish. after all, in that small span of time, i was able to learn and experience a lot. so maybe, that was all that was meant for me. maybe i shouldn't be sad that it trickled away, but be happy that it even passed my way
...don't you think so?
it's so ironic that i can't help but laugh. i feel as if i'm trying to catch water. everytime i cup it up with both hands, it stays there for but a fraction of a second and disappears, trickles away to catch up with the tide. so all i have is a fraction of a second. even though it isn't enough, i can't be selfish. after all, a fraction of a second is better than nothing.
as much as i want to change the course of the tide, i can't. as much as i want to swim against it, i can't. it might be because i don't have the energy. it might be because i don't want to - what little i have, what little i am given, i hold that seemingly negligible chunk and clasp it tightly in both hands - perhaps so tightly that i am unwittingly crushing it into a million little pieces.
acceptance and contentment are best friends. they're always together. you won't find one without the other. i think it's about time i met the acquaintance of these fine friends.
as the water trickles out of my cupped hands, i feel the urge to run after what was lost, to trap it in a jar and lock it up tightly. then i realize that it would be useless. the water would only get stale. what isn't meant to be for me - will never be mine - so i should just let it flow with the tide.
i'm still watching the water course past me. i find that i still can't quite remove myself from where i am rooted yet. i just need a bit more time. there are times when i suddenly feel a deep sense of peace, while other times i feel confused and sad. i'm still questioning things.
maybe, that fraction of a second was all i needed and wanting more would just be selfish. after all, in that small span of time, i was able to learn and experience a lot. so maybe, that was all that was meant for me. maybe i shouldn't be sad that it trickled away, but be happy that it even passed my way
...don't you think so?
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