rublev

we did art work in abpsy today! ^^ hehe. it's been awhile since i doodled with colored pencils and drew~ it was quite relaxing and therapeutic even. we were asked to draw our fantasies. the instructions drew quite a few reactions from the class =D but everything proceeded orderly. la lang...drawing and coloring just reminded me what it was like to be a kid~

in theo class, we talked about one of rublev's icons, the Trinity. Fr. was surprised that many of us were seeing the painting only for the first time. Today's class actually felt like an art appreciation class. We studied the painting, then read a poem by Rowan Williams entitled "Rublev," which described a pale God (white being the "perfect" color) as wanting to be "colored by blood," which symbolized the perfect wanting to share the lot of the imperfect.

what a weekend

the past weekend was an eventful one. i didn't even have time to open a book until sunday evening~ which means i'm kind of swamped at the moment >< -0- friday evening, went to watch nini's play, duyan ng kagitingan, at the ccp. we thought we were going to be late as we had planned to leave the house by 530 and we ended leaving around 630. dad was swerving to and from lanes, it was kinda scary. but we got there in time ^^ and were greeted by joey by the theater entrance.

the theater resembled the rizal mini-theater. it was small and cozy. as the lights dimmed, zel was a bit restless. when the play started, i could see that my parents and sister were staring intently at the actors, who had their heads and faces covered, figuring out which one was my sister. And when ni finally came on stage, i had to resist the urge to smile at her. My mom tapped zel and pointed out that her "dichi" was there. i was surprised by the sheer volume of my sister's voice. di ko kaya yun. haha =D i liked her next scene better, probably coz she looked so regal in her costume. i loved how she put her hands together as a sign that she wanted to talk, and even had an interpreter. she delivered her lines in mandarin.

the play was pretty good, in terms of costume and execution, given that they only had around more than a month to prepare and rehearse. it was basically about a family of Pun Datu, who had four children, two of which were vying to take his place as ruler. The other two children,played by Rugin and Russel, were innocent and childlike and subject to the abuse of their manipulative, scheming mother, who was trying to poison Pun Datu to death so that she could be leader as well. Mala Buwaya, the "albularyo" turned out to be the evil guy who outmaneuvered the rest of the bad guys, but who lost to the overall good guy, whose name i don't remember anymore.

it was an amazing experience, seeing your sister acting on stage, in theater. it's a different expereince. we were just so proud of her ^^ congrats ni and keep up the good work~!

-0-
on saturday, worked on thesis at the lib with joanne. then, went to japanese class. afterwhich, i hiked off to rockwell.

sherry organized a mini get-together, a dinner at burgoo, for mic, jerome, malt (collectively known as the triumvirate), charlene, meloy and jeff, aileen, raech, and me~! in a way, it was a despedida party for aileen and meloy, who will go to beijing next month. good luck to you two gals~! ^^ it also gave us a chance to update each other on our lives - mic and malt with med school, raech and jerome (and me) with their thesis plans, aileen and sherry on how work was, char and meloy with their travel plans (char to vancouver and meloy to beijing and possibly thailand). i love get-togethers. they're just such a fun way to unwind and relax.

-0-
sunday morning, went to araneta colliseum to attend the 22nd anniversary of ccf (thanks to angel's invite^^). saw nina, cha, mitsu, dulu, and carolyn~ there were so many people, it was kind of overwhelming and surprising. i guess it's been quite a while since i've actually worshipped or practiced religion together with such a big community. it was as if i had alienated myself from the communion aspect of religion, and seeing all those people suddenly drew me out of my private world. It was nice though, all the songs and Pastor Tanchi's sermon. He talked about the kingdom of God, how we are blinded by material things & entertainment, that we have a wrong notion of what religion or rather of how the Lord really is. It made me reflect on my own life and the choices i've been making~

fairytale endings

the korean drama "my girl" finished its run on philippine television today. today, jess said something about having split poles in her personality, alternating between two extremes and not really being to find some middle ground.

i think i'm like that too. the sentimentalist and realist parts of me can't seem to co-exist as efficiently as i'd like them to. the sentimentalist in me loves romantic comedies and the like, sighs and melts during kilig-worthy moments. happy endings never fail to make me feel safe, warm, and protected, make me forget about the world for a few seconds. on the other pole, the realist in me rationalizes and reasons out. it's always mind over emotion, head over heart. some people say i overthink, attributing meanings to things that aren't that "meaningful." others say i'm dense and can't see what's there in front of me.

the bottom line is that i don't trust my emotions that much. i have this fear of making irrational decisions. one could call it social pressure to be responsible, to always make the right decisions. it could also very well be a defense mechanism to shield myself from getting hurt. i think i'm sensitive to rejection.

there are some things that could've turned out differently had i made a different decision. there are some things i don't regret not doing. i don't think i could have dealt with the repercussions. there are some things i wish i had done just for the sake of seeing how it would've turned out. there are things that i think i should've done but i know that if i were to be transplanted back into the situation, i wouldn't have the nerve to do things differently. there's a term that captures all this beautifully in chinese: 矛盾. the english translation would probably be contradiction or inconsistency.

to end, i'll just say that be it the sentimentalist or realist in me, i'm still waiting for a happy ending of my own. that is, if happy endings do exist in the real world~

-0-

today was a good day. went to speed area. there were only the four of us: ericka, steph, edith, and me. since the theme was natural calamities, we were able to kinda relate the activities - red light green light type of game and duck duck goose - to the theme ^^ we were scrambling for an idea as to how to connect the activities to the theme but we were able to do it! yey. the lesson of the activities: it's important that one be alert (alisto!) during natural calamities^。^／

my theo teacher knows my name! haha. he doesn't check attendance so i kinda assumed that he only knew us by face. it's such a nice feeling when someone knows your name. you're not just a face in the crowd =)

my philo teacher reminds me of my cousin. gil!! (special mention. haha). he talks like you - the accent and all. somewhat british but not quite. there are times when i feel as if i'm hearing your voice. honestly, you two really do speak in the same way! Hehe ^^

nini had a successful opening day. she said it was a good run. i'm excited to see the play tomorrow!

lastly, abpsy presentation went well. thank you tantan and raymond =) yey! one report down. two more to go. thank you Lord!

listening to: top suzara's sabihin mo lang, teddy geiger's possibilities, stacie orrico's i'm not missing you, & the fray's over my head (cable car)

panakip butas

the diversity of cultures amazes and, well, makes me uneasy at the same time. it's like you always have to switch back and forth between perspectives, analyze it from this culture's framepoint, then switch over to your own culture and look at it from that vantage point. from all this analyzing, dissecting, and re-interpreting, we somehow hope to find the "safe" common ground.

so, when is it safe to assume? it seems that we tend to battle with our minds and emotions. we tend to justify a lack of reciprocity to a difference in cultures, or at least i do. it's just that sometimes i don't know where to attribute things to: the person or the culture of the person.

i guess in the end, it's not really a question about culture. because if it were, then there wouldn't be intercultural marriages, successful happy ones at that. so maybe it's just a way of justifying and rationalizing the events in our life that didn't go as planned. by attributing things to cultural differences, we sort of exonerate ourselves. it's not about us, it's just a culture thing, a culture difference.

sometimes i wish i could just do away with that rationalization or explanation. to put it in filipino, "panakip butas lang yan eh."

in the end, what i'd like to be able to do, more than understanding cultural differences, is to understand you, the person. i only turn to this culture stuff coz i can't reach you, can't seem to understand you.

oh thesis

only two months left till the sem draws to a close.

deadline for chapter one got moved to next friday. do i hear a sigh of relief? not really~seeing the calendar just makes me stressed and tense. so i guess i'll just have to take it one day at a time. hopefully, we'll be able to finish chapter 1 by this week so that we can start with instrument validation next week. the week after next chapter 2 is due already~ time flies.

aside from thesis, i have to get started on my abspsy case study. at least, the report on schizophrenia will be done by thurs. so the only group report left will be for hi166, last week of september and the one for EU, first week of sept.

then, i have to get started on writing the EU paper. so far, i've just been doing a lot of reading. i'll have to finalize the stuff for the report as well.

i think the physics long exam is next week or the week after next as well.

sigh. we're well into the middle of the sem already.

on the side, i've sort of lost touch with my dorm mates from japan. my japanese friends i'm able to keep in touch with ^^ but somehow, i've kinda lost track of my dorm mates~ i guess this is how it's gonna be. it's weird coz for nine months i was attuned to their routines and activities and all of a sudden, all that contact and communication is cut off. separated by miles of sea and land, connected by the occasional recurring thoughts and memories. even the internet doesn't seem like such a good way to keep in touch anymore. such a sad and scary thought @@

weekend

currently playing in my cd player is the fray's how to save a life. cool album. easy listening^^current favorites are: she is, over my head, how to save a life, & all at once.

this is how my weekend went:

on friday, i played badminton with sherry, winnie, martin, & derrick. since i haven't engaged in any type of real exercise since i came back home (actually, i didn't engage in any real exercise while in japan either. i just walked a lot^^), my arms and legs are sore. Lolz. But it was fun. i like badminton =)

my dad picked me up at sm manila (it was my first time there too. i wanted to have a shopping spree as the clothes were so nice at kamiseta, bayo, and petit monde) after picking nini up at csb. we then went to savory to eat =D of course, it's not the healthiest thing to do but it wasn't anything heavy...i think^^

last night, went to greenbelt after japanese class. chatted with aileen over dinner then went to music one with nini while my parents and zel went to sentro for a late dinner. after music one, ni and i went to coffee bean to claim the free promo attached to the movie tickets. afterwards, we went to sentro. interesting thing i saw: three foreigners were eating at the table across us. what they ordered was three main dishes, one for each of them. it was weird seeing them eating their respective orders with no rice at all & with one dish per person ~ i guess it's an asian thing to have rice at meals and to share dishes, salo-salo style.

-edited: my parents and sisters went somewhere. we were supposed to go out but i opted out. i don't know, just wasn't in the mood - not even for shopping or eating. my tooth still kind of hurts so i took an antibiotic to stop the swelling ><

things to do:
- cut clips from schizophrenia documentary
- start 8000-word paper for EU22
- start writing chapter 1 for thesis
- study physics

speed area

today was my first time to go to the speed area. it was fun =) at first, i was a bit apprehensive as i sorta remembered INTACT and although it wasn't a bad experience, i remembered how needy and attached kids can get and well, i'm not that patient nor giving...yet. still a work in progress.

but i surprised myself. or rather, the kids surprised me. we played the newspaper game and played with watercolors. at first, i was surprised coz they'd just reach out and hug you, hold your hand, plant a kiss on your cheek. they were very affectionate ^^ despite their special needs, they really can do a lot. it was just touching, how warmly they welcomed us - welcomed me since it was my first time there. they shared stories, played, and chatted with us.

they say that by going to the areas, we try to make the kids feel special for an hour or so. but i believe it's a two-way thing - we may make the kids feel special and happy, but through their kindness and warmth, they too make us feel special~

deadline after deadline

i think i lack sleep. i almost dozed off in physics class earlier >< it seems as if the passing of days is marked by deadline after deadline. in japanese, i'd say もううんざりだ！(i'm tired of this －ー：）well...i guess it's not THAT bad =) hehe. i just feel i haven't been to the malls since forever, so i'm looking forward to the long weekend. Though, i'll probably spend it cutting up scene clips from movies about schizophrenia, then writing that 8000 word essay on ASEAN and the EU. but long weekend = time to spread things out = no sticking-straight-out frizzled hair and nail biting...as long as i don't procrastinate.

-o-
swoOn~there was a photo of a cute french guy in the star today ^^ Haha. It was probably the clothes and the smile. Sigh~

-o-
things are okay already. there are some things i'll never understand. sometimes, all you gotta do is accept things as they are, take people for who they are...even when you'd like to dissect their brains to see just how their minds work. what i learned is that you don't need to understand someone to be there for someone.

i wish on a star

i wish i may, i wish i might

wish upon a star tonight

if only wishes could be granted, prayers answered immediately...

my head's spinning. my eyes hurt. i have no idea what to do.

i never knew that reaching out to someone could be so hard.
i didn't know that it was possible to shut people out entirely.
i've never felt this lost, worried, guilty, and scared.

someone once told me that hating takes a lot of energy and even effort. you wouldn't hate someone if that someone wasn't important. i don't hate anyone. at times, i get exasperated, perhaps by my own disability to exact change, to understand, to empathize. but trying to understand is so much harder than hating, and sometimes i just want the easy way out of things.

if there were one word to describe the atmosphere here now, it would probably be resigned~

i leave everything to the Lord.

correlation between social life and transportation

i've always been bad at making decisions. i dillydally. i change my mind every few minutes. then, when people ask what my final decision is, sometimes i just answer vaguely till they assume something and then that i make my decision. so technically, when things go wrong, it wasn't me - well not all me - who made the decision. so i can share the "blame." sigh, defense mechanisms can get so complicated...and the justification that goes along with them.

there's the time when i impulsively bought something only to find out that i could've gotten it cheaper if i had waited a week or so. i could've waited coz it wasn't that necessary nor urgent. then there are other times when i just choose not to go to parties or meetings or get-togethers, when i choose to just leave things and let other people handle them (well, not doing anything being a way to kind of force them to do something) just because i was tamad (lazy) and didn't feel like doing anything. and so, somehow i feel like i've missed out on bonding sessions with friends and the like, which has sorta hampered my social life (from inactive to hovering-near-zilch). so, i decided to make amends, changes.

sigh..and it takes some effort. given the transportation situation in manila and the fact that i'm more of a homebody, it takes some determination and drive for me to want to go somewhere. sometimes i feel myself reverting back to my "won't matter that much if i cancel-i can just make up some excuse-then stay in the comfort of my bedroom" excuse but then sometimes i think that i really do need to get out more.

ironically, my mom tells me that ever since i got back from japan, i've been going out a lot more, which isn't really true. i just don't want to depend on the driver or my dad too much. since i still have unpraiseworthy hand-eye-foot motor synchronization and am still trigger-happy with the brakes, i don't drive....yet (i hope it'll be a temporary situation). sadly, the foreigners i know are better at navigating metro manila through public transportation than i am. so i thought, if they can do it, so can i~! me, being the one who's lived in manila for more than 10 years versus they, who've been here a month.

the transportation here is frustrating. i wish we had a better system. you think i could blame it for me not being able to meet my friends as much as i want to, or not being able to just take a walk somewhere, or do things spur of the moment? everything needs to be planned out first, days before. i miss japan where i could just walk out the door when i wanted to and be sure to get to wherever i wanted to go safely and quickly.

...or maybe the transportation thing is just something to cover up my lack of enthusiasm to mingle and socialize. Hmm, nope. it's definitely the transportation issue in itself - that and that alone.

acads

these days, i feel that there's just so much work to do.

there's the 8000-word paper for eu22, on whether the eu institutional framework can be adopted in the asean. then, there's the methods part for thesis (which is alright. thanks groupmates! ^^). schizophrenia report is kind of underway too, will have to see if the video store has the movies i'm looking for. to top the list off, there's the reflection paper for theology and the philosophy long test. oh well, slowly but surely...i might have to hole up for the next few days~

sl...o....w...

we had breakfast this morning at heaven 'n eggs. my dad said he didn't like the place but we went anyways coz i hadn't eaten there before ^^

the service was slo........w. about three tables walked out because the food took so long to be served. people were canceling orders; followed by the waiters bringing the "just canceled" orders out (that always happens, doesn't it), but by then the people would be too irritated =( we waited a while for our orders too but they did come out. they did take their time though. hehe. the food was okay. i like country waffles better. i liked the waffles, but i think that was partly because i had a craving for waffles.

well, don't think we're gonna go back there again, not that i'm complaining.

shiawase (幸せ）

幸せ。In my japanese-english dictionary, it's defined as happiness; in chinese, as 幸運 or 幸福. Right now though, i wouldn't describe myself as happy, but more as contented. peace of mind, you could say. And for now, that's how i'd like to keep things.

toured the nanzan seto japanese students around campus today. it was kinda cool acting as a sort-of interpreter. it'd be a fun job, don't you think?

also, aida and i are going to be conversation partners. that way, she gets to practice english and i get to practice french. ^^

finally got to stop by pedXing tonight - ernest's post-grad celebration, and he's selling pedXing already too. it was a good night =) it reunion of sorts: cool gang, aileen!, king (who got back aug 1), jay, john, renbert, andrew, lionel, kelly, jonats, marvin, richard, herbert, eric, richmond...i think that's about it. it was comforting~ everyone's in some sort of transition - working already, looking for a job, finishing up their studies - but in a way, everyone has a sort of direction already, a plan for the future. sometimes, i wish i could go back to high school, if only to see all my high school batchmates again. sort-of reunions like this make me sentimental. hehe ^^

our deepest fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-NELSON MANDELA, inaugural speech, 1994-

Like what Ma'am Ramos said, "We are afraid of who we can become." This followed from a discussion on stress and why boredom is a form of anxiety.

update

oh yes, the work is starting to pile up @@ time to make those time schedules and to do lists!

-0-
had lunch with aida today. she moved to a new apartment already and is planning a sort of house warming party this saturday. hopefully, i can make it. though it might be intimidating if all her other guests turn out to be french. (- - ;)

-0-
last friday, i attended the g-clef recital that ronald invited me to. it was a relaxing way to end the week. i went to la salle straight from the celadon GA so i was kind of tired. Anyways, the pieces were played beautifully. Most of the pieces were played on the violin with the piano as accompaniment. My favorite numbers were the duet for four hands and the noturno (both of which were played by ronald ^^). i also enjoyed the two ending pieces, which were compositions by mozart. it's really wonderful how some people are talented in music. sigh. my frustration is the violin >< oh well, i'll content myself with listening to people play it.

-0-
it's strangely funny and unexplainably disappointing how friendships can just vanish and collapse. i never really realized that acting civil could take up so much energy and that it could be so disconcerting. it saddens me to see that certain things when lost, are truly lost. it just leaves you with a feeling of emptiness because the shared experiences, the friendship all just suddenly amount to nothing but a casual yet civil "hi."