Saturday, June 17, 2006
roll ball
temporality. i guess i'm still not used to things changing. sometimes, the change just seems too fast to handle. there are things that seem too delicate to touch, doors that i now kind of hesitate to knock on, things i want to say that are somehow left unsaid, misinterpreted. it's kind of unsettling - this change. but it'll pass. things will fall into some sense of stability. until then, i'll just take it day by day.
Monday, June 12, 2006
juxtapositions and parallelisms
the long weekend (thanks to independence day falling on a monday) was spent watching movies (cars - at greenbelt where i ran into maine and marilyn - and inside man - at rockwell where i ran into aileen and family^^), a birthday lunch for my great grandmother, and hanging out with friends (mic, malt, meloy and jeff, aileen, and raech).
~o~
there's something about high school friends. how after not seeing them for ages, you manage to just pick up right where you left off. after that initial warming up, "how've you been" stage, things just fall right back to place. mic and malt are off to med school. maine is going to law school. then, there are others who are working at their respective offices. so, life's moving forward for them. they're past that stage of university and are off to other things, to pursue goals, to earn livings, preparing to venture into the future. seeing them makes me think of my own future. there's the million dollar question of choosing to work at the family business or venturing out on my own. pursuing dreams - it sounds intimidating. sometimes, i question my dreams, my goals. are they too hard to reach? am i dreaming too big? am i being selfish? should i think of others first then pursue what i want to do later on? because the thing is, i know what i want to do, but i have no idea - well, none that are so definite and concrete - as to how i'm going to get there. faced with those looming uncertainties, i'm afraid i might just choose the easy way out, grasping on to something that's already there.
with mic during the drive back to my house, i kind of felt as if there was this big ocean between us. not having really talked during the past year, we only knew bits and pieces of what transpired in the other's life, and it was kind of hard to figure out how exactly to bridge that gap. but i think we did. i guess you don't have to share everything about your life - coz you neither have the time nor know how/where to start - so you choose to share certain things. but by doing so, you allow the person to see what you're going through - though not very specifically - at the moment. i think that's how i would describe the conversation i had with mic. just touching the essentials, not going into too much details (coz i honestly wouldn't know where to start), and learning from mic as well, his thoughts, how he spent the past year. it made me think of what eric told me before (and nancy hinted at) about learning to share things with friends, not keeping too much to yourself. by sharing, one shows the other that he appreciates him, trusts him and thus, the friendship grows, becomes comfortable.
~0~
inside man's a good film. the plot was well-thought out and i like how it plays on the meaning of "robbery." it juxtaposes the cunning wily manipulators and the common image of the weapon-bearing masked robber. it also touched on issues of racism and video games. i liked what the turban-wearing guy said about him always being on the "random" check list at the airport. i also liked the song used at the beginning and end of the film. it really was the perfect bank robbery.
~0~
maybe i've changed even though i've been trying not to. i can't even operationally define "change." i somehow knew i'd change or revert back to my old self once i was home. maybe i have and maybe it's not good. so, is this identity crisis? well, i know who i am. i just adapt and change with the environment, situation. but it's still me. so there shouldn't really be much difference between the in-nagoya-me and the in-manila-me, right? such questions (a bit insipid perhaps >0<) from a psych major. tsk tsk.
~o~
there's something about high school friends. how after not seeing them for ages, you manage to just pick up right where you left off. after that initial warming up, "how've you been" stage, things just fall right back to place. mic and malt are off to med school. maine is going to law school. then, there are others who are working at their respective offices. so, life's moving forward for them. they're past that stage of university and are off to other things, to pursue goals, to earn livings, preparing to venture into the future. seeing them makes me think of my own future. there's the million dollar question of choosing to work at the family business or venturing out on my own. pursuing dreams - it sounds intimidating. sometimes, i question my dreams, my goals. are they too hard to reach? am i dreaming too big? am i being selfish? should i think of others first then pursue what i want to do later on? because the thing is, i know what i want to do, but i have no idea - well, none that are so definite and concrete - as to how i'm going to get there. faced with those looming uncertainties, i'm afraid i might just choose the easy way out, grasping on to something that's already there.
with mic during the drive back to my house, i kind of felt as if there was this big ocean between us. not having really talked during the past year, we only knew bits and pieces of what transpired in the other's life, and it was kind of hard to figure out how exactly to bridge that gap. but i think we did. i guess you don't have to share everything about your life - coz you neither have the time nor know how/where to start - so you choose to share certain things. but by doing so, you allow the person to see what you're going through - though not very specifically - at the moment. i think that's how i would describe the conversation i had with mic. just touching the essentials, not going into too much details (coz i honestly wouldn't know where to start), and learning from mic as well, his thoughts, how he spent the past year. it made me think of what eric told me before (and nancy hinted at) about learning to share things with friends, not keeping too much to yourself. by sharing, one shows the other that he appreciates him, trusts him and thus, the friendship grows, becomes comfortable.
~0~
inside man's a good film. the plot was well-thought out and i like how it plays on the meaning of "robbery." it juxtaposes the cunning wily manipulators and the common image of the weapon-bearing masked robber. it also touched on issues of racism and video games. i liked what the turban-wearing guy said about him always being on the "random" check list at the airport. i also liked the song used at the beginning and end of the film. it really was the perfect bank robbery.
~0~
maybe i've changed even though i've been trying not to. i can't even operationally define "change." i somehow knew i'd change or revert back to my old self once i was home. maybe i have and maybe it's not good. so, is this identity crisis? well, i know who i am. i just adapt and change with the environment, situation. but it's still me. so there shouldn't really be much difference between the in-nagoya-me and the in-manila-me, right? such questions (a bit insipid perhaps >0<) from a psych major. tsk tsk.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
wanting to take a drive
today, i dropped by radiator springs and witnessed how the residents of this sleepy little town changed lightning macQueen's perspective on what life's important things are. the movie had heart, not to mention great animation. pixar! ^^ favorite line would have to be mater's "i knew i made a good choice when i chose you to be my best friend" line to lightning. *marshmallows & all things soft and cuddly*
also ran into germaine! and marilyn at timezone. ni and i were checking out the neoprint (purikura) machine when i heard ka! ka! and there was germaine with katie holmes-like wavy hair. i've always wanted hair like that, all soft and ripply and flowing ^^
~o~
i belong here in manila, where the jeepneys seem to be king of the roads, where the skies are dusty with smog, where there are sari-sari stores at every corner instead of the ubiquitous-in-nagoya convenience stores, where public transportation follows no timetable, where the school season starts right smack as the rainy season begins, where flip-flops are favored over high wobbly heels, where the lifestyle and pace is relaxed, where the sun shines down at full force, where children play in the streets during rain showers, where fruits are abundant (who can say no to ice-cold buko juice on a sweltering hot day)...and a thousand other where's.
i've imagined myself in different places, placing myself here and there. i guess i've realized that though i'm open to living abroad, my roots are unarguably here. i'm part of this lifestyle. i'm living it in fact so, i guess i can't really be part of another world - your world. i'm here - in the present, the right now. i'm here, not there. *point taken*
also ran into germaine! and marilyn at timezone. ni and i were checking out the neoprint (purikura) machine when i heard ka! ka! and there was germaine with katie holmes-like wavy hair. i've always wanted hair like that, all soft and ripply and flowing ^^
~o~
i belong here in manila, where the jeepneys seem to be king of the roads, where the skies are dusty with smog, where there are sari-sari stores at every corner instead of the ubiquitous-in-nagoya convenience stores, where public transportation follows no timetable, where the school season starts right smack as the rainy season begins, where flip-flops are favored over high wobbly heels, where the lifestyle and pace is relaxed, where the sun shines down at full force, where children play in the streets during rain showers, where fruits are abundant (who can say no to ice-cold buko juice on a sweltering hot day)...and a thousand other where's.
i've imagined myself in different places, placing myself here and there. i guess i've realized that though i'm open to living abroad, my roots are unarguably here. i'm part of this lifestyle. i'm living it in fact so, i guess i can't really be part of another world - your world. i'm here - in the present, the right now. i'm here, not there. *point taken*
Thursday, June 08, 2006
the Friend Girl
currently reading the principles of love by emily franklin
"And then, there's me. I am the lesser-dealt-with cliché of girldom: the Friend-Girl...I am the girl who is most likely to become friends with the hot guy while pining for him in the secrecy of her journal/song lyrics/blog. Maybe i have a way of putting guys at ease, or maybe I'm so nonappealing sexually that our conversations end up being actually good rather than mere flirtations, but either way, being the FG is a blessing and a curse. I get the closeness, the proximity that people long for with far-off crushes. But i also get the heartache of knowing what I'm missing, all the while being too dumb or supportive (supportive = sorting out Hot Guy's relationship troubles while wishing he'd notice me gazing at him) to act on anything."
it's a fun book. sort of reminds me of clueless and sloppy firsts. kind of like looking at society through a fishbowl - you see everything. you comment on everything ^^ the writing style, i would describe as smart, crisp, could-be-sarcastic.
"And then, there's me. I am the lesser-dealt-with cliché of girldom: the Friend-Girl...I am the girl who is most likely to become friends with the hot guy while pining for him in the secrecy of her journal/song lyrics/blog. Maybe i have a way of putting guys at ease, or maybe I'm so nonappealing sexually that our conversations end up being actually good rather than mere flirtations, but either way, being the FG is a blessing and a curse. I get the closeness, the proximity that people long for with far-off crushes. But i also get the heartache of knowing what I'm missing, all the while being too dumb or supportive (supportive = sorting out Hot Guy's relationship troubles while wishing he'd notice me gazing at him) to act on anything."
it's a fun book. sort of reminds me of clueless and sloppy firsts. kind of like looking at society through a fishbowl - you see everything. you comment on everything ^^ the writing style, i would describe as smart, crisp, could-be-sarcastic.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
honey, baby, sweetheart
from the book by deb caletti:
"It was about the way a moment, a single moment, could change things and make you decide to try to be someone different."
"The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life."
"The boys are expected to do. Accomplish something. Seek adventure. Sure, they study for careers now, but what are girls still expected to seek? Boys. Boys get mountains, girls get boys."
"A man's identity is complete through action, a woman's, when she has a man. Through him. We fall off our high heels into the narrow crevasse of what it means to be female...You fall in love and you think you're finding yourself. But too often you're looking inside him for you, and that's a fact. There's only one place you can find yourself." She patted her chest.
"Love can come when you're already who you are, when you are filled with you. Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space...Not when it's your definition."
"You didn't love that boy, Ruby. You loved his motorcycle."
"We held on to each other, wrapped up in the fabric of mothers and children, the quilt of guilt and innocence, good intentions and failings, full but imperfect hearts."
"Why do we have to be so human?"
"Sometimes a decision is not one monumental event, but many small, slightly unsteady ones."
"It was about the way a moment, a single moment, could change things and make you decide to try to be someone different."
"The pursuit of love gets mixed up with the pursuit of life."
"The boys are expected to do. Accomplish something. Seek adventure. Sure, they study for careers now, but what are girls still expected to seek? Boys. Boys get mountains, girls get boys."
"A man's identity is complete through action, a woman's, when she has a man. Through him. We fall off our high heels into the narrow crevasse of what it means to be female...You fall in love and you think you're finding yourself. But too often you're looking inside him for you, and that's a fact. There's only one place you can find yourself." She patted her chest.
"Love can come when you're already who you are, when you are filled with you. Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space...Not when it's your definition."
"You didn't love that boy, Ruby. You loved his motorcycle."
"We held on to each other, wrapped up in the fabric of mothers and children, the quilt of guilt and innocence, good intentions and failings, full but imperfect hearts."
"Why do we have to be so human?"
"Sometimes a decision is not one monumental event, but many small, slightly unsteady ones."
Monday, June 05, 2006
movie marathon
i watched three movies this weekend. over the hedge on saturday at galleria, then da vinci code and x-men on sunday at greenbelt. the movie theaters at greenbelt remind me of 109 cinemas in nagoya. greenbelt has more food choices though ^ ^V chimara's white cheddar popcorn and iced tea! Hehe.
da vinci code and xmen were pretty good. i think it was good we (ni and i) watched da vinci first coz x-men's action-centered, lighter theme was able to balance out the former's more serious mood. i love audrey tautou! ^^
had lunch with mom at sentro. first time to eat there - had sizzling tofu (which resembled sisig), two kinds of ampalaya, soy glass noodles (which kind of tasted like palabok), and mayamaya. yummy! then, for dinner (with the whole family), we ate at big buddha.
of course, i stopped by powerbooks and bought a couple of books - the principles of love series and that summer.
~0~
the other day, i bought pInk's CD, which i'm listening to now. it cost 460 pesos. at the cashier, i thought i had 60 pesos and rummaging through my coin purse, i realized i was thinking in terms of yen. And so i gave the cashier 500 pesos and expected my 40-peso change to be in coins, but of course the cashier gave me two 20-peso bills. currency confusion~
~0~
mixed signals. expectations. frustration. i know that we don't set ourselves up to get hurt. i also know that if it's possible, we'd do everything to not get hurt. we'd block our minds, close our hearts; opening them up only at the right time. but you and i know that that's impossible.
i should stop thinking but i can't. i should stop yearning but it's hard. i should take my friend's advice but maybe subconsciously, i feel that i should let myself take that leap, that chance even if i know that i'll only get hurt in the end. because i need to "feel" to be able to grow. or is that need just a result of my foolhardiness?
da vinci code and xmen were pretty good. i think it was good we (ni and i) watched da vinci first coz x-men's action-centered, lighter theme was able to balance out the former's more serious mood. i love audrey tautou! ^^
had lunch with mom at sentro. first time to eat there - had sizzling tofu (which resembled sisig), two kinds of ampalaya, soy glass noodles (which kind of tasted like palabok), and mayamaya. yummy! then, for dinner (with the whole family), we ate at big buddha.
of course, i stopped by powerbooks and bought a couple of books - the principles of love series and that summer.
~0~
the other day, i bought pInk's CD, which i'm listening to now. it cost 460 pesos. at the cashier, i thought i had 60 pesos and rummaging through my coin purse, i realized i was thinking in terms of yen. And so i gave the cashier 500 pesos and expected my 40-peso change to be in coins, but of course the cashier gave me two 20-peso bills. currency confusion~
~0~
mixed signals. expectations. frustration. i know that we don't set ourselves up to get hurt. i also know that if it's possible, we'd do everything to not get hurt. we'd block our minds, close our hearts; opening them up only at the right time. but you and i know that that's impossible.
i should stop thinking but i can't. i should stop yearning but it's hard. i should take my friend's advice but maybe subconsciously, i feel that i should let myself take that leap, that chance even if i know that i'll only get hurt in the end. because i need to "feel" to be able to grow. or is that need just a result of my foolhardiness?
Sunday, June 04, 2006
family reunion
went to galleria this morning because it was the only mall that was still showing "over the hedge." haven't been there in a long long while. it's undergoing renovations. want to go there when toys r us opens. i love staring at the long rows of toys, especially the neatly-stacked board games, which was my favorite section after barbie when i was young =P
over the hedge didn't have a unique or out-of-this-world plot but it was enjoyable. i laughed a lot =D the characters were cute and endearing - i loved rJ the raccoon and Verne the turtle. And Hammy was just so unbelievably hyper. my favorite scene would have to be when they discovered the Hedge. "It never ends!" Hammy gasped. They even named it Steve to make it seem less intimidating =P
headed to tramway afterwards for dinner with the whole family (mother-side). a-ku's family just got back from hk last night. angkong robert and ama lourdes were waiting at macapagal. they ate at jollibee so they didn't have to pay for parking. when they were on their way to the airport though, they missed a U-turn and drove to cavite. so though they didn't pay for parking, they ended up paying toll fees. a-ie's family went to singapore. and ama and angkong went to south africa. and now, everyone's back home =)
dinner made me feel "at home." in other words, it made me feel settled in and comfortable, with the kids playing and joking around, the adults talking and laughing - i thought, this is what they mean by "family." come to think of it, that was the theme of over the hedge too. =P
over the hedge didn't have a unique or out-of-this-world plot but it was enjoyable. i laughed a lot =D the characters were cute and endearing - i loved rJ the raccoon and Verne the turtle. And Hammy was just so unbelievably hyper. my favorite scene would have to be when they discovered the Hedge. "It never ends!" Hammy gasped. They even named it Steve to make it seem less intimidating =P
headed to tramway afterwards for dinner with the whole family (mother-side). a-ku's family just got back from hk last night. angkong robert and ama lourdes were waiting at macapagal. they ate at jollibee so they didn't have to pay for parking. when they were on their way to the airport though, they missed a U-turn and drove to cavite. so though they didn't pay for parking, they ended up paying toll fees. a-ie's family went to singapore. and ama and angkong went to south africa. and now, everyone's back home =)
dinner made me feel "at home." in other words, it made me feel settled in and comfortable, with the kids playing and joking around, the adults talking and laughing - i thought, this is what they mean by "family." come to think of it, that was the theme of over the hedge too. =P
Friday, June 02, 2006
limbo
repeating something - either turning it over and over in your mind or sharing it with people - sort of makes the thing seem as if it were a figment of your imagination. i find that it sort of loses its realness, its authenticity. kind of like grasping shadows or thin air.
i'm back home. i'm not really undergoing any major adjustments. sure, the lifestyle is different. the environment is different but it's home. and it kind of sounds ironic to say you're adjusting to home.
i want answers to certain questions, unresolved feelings. but do i really? a friend asked me the other day what i would do with that information. the truth is i don't know. it's just that these days i feel as if there's something that's not quite right. it's just a subtle feeling, so tiny you could not notice it, yet at the same time it sort of nags you at the sides. so i feel as if i'm floating around, finding a place to land and root myself.
i'm back home. i'm not really undergoing any major adjustments. sure, the lifestyle is different. the environment is different but it's home. and it kind of sounds ironic to say you're adjusting to home.
i want answers to certain questions, unresolved feelings. but do i really? a friend asked me the other day what i would do with that information. the truth is i don't know. it's just that these days i feel as if there's something that's not quite right. it's just a subtle feeling, so tiny you could not notice it, yet at the same time it sort of nags you at the sides. so i feel as if i'm floating around, finding a place to land and root myself.
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