is your desk drawer filled with lots of tiny trinkets (most of which you have absolutely no use for but still you can't bring yourself to get rid of them), stickers that don't stick anymore, little yellowed pieces of paper (from note passing and pretending to have imaginary pen pals), pens that can't write, movie tickets, restaurant brochures, and travel guides...
there are so many disposable things in this fast-food-instant-dinner-meals-ready-in-3-minutes consumer world. trash just seems to be piling up and we can all blame "convenience" for it. on the other hand, there are things that leave a certain sentimental feeling, a sense of permanence and stability. while the rest of the world spins and turns, what these things represent remain the same albeit their deteriorating condition. kind of like the jacket that was left in the closet in my room. while wearing the jacket, i couldn't help but think of the previous owner - what she's doing now, how she thought of life in japan, her dreams and goals. before i sleep, the glow-in-the-dark stars pasted on the ceiling provide a sense of comfort. such simple things seem to be able to transcend their supposedly unimportant purposes. stars aren't simply decorative. to me, they are a mark of past experiences, of past life so to say. life that went on in that very room where i stay in...so through these left behind mementos, seemingly useless things - the posters of subway routes and left behind pens - i feel in some (weird) way that humanity is connected albeit by the thinnest, slightest threads. the past and present mesh together. in every place you go to, the place's history precedes it...and it can either comfort or repulse you...lifestyles, actions, and thoughts of people who lived before us...swirling in our midsts, unconsciously a part of our lives...
you could call it sentimentality, wistfulness. it's what life's made up of. the emotion that these things stir in me is probably the same as how i feel about death. life's impermanence and definiteness. it's like you dying and the world still resuming its own workings. the world does not stop, time does not halt. you would think that life would have much more significance, bear much more impact...but it doesn't. it just passes by. time heals its loss. thus life is lorded over by time and the universe. so in the end, we are just like specks of dust. we exist. we merely exist. we contribute, we make our marks in history through memories and little objects, we try to figure out our purposes...yet when we leave the world we call home and the people we call family and friends, we realize that maybe we haven't really done anything, that what we've spent our whole life working for wasn't really what we should have been doing, that our goals were on the human plane while we should have been concentrating on the spiritual kindred aspect of it.
eric once told me something he read about - that there is no such thing as the present. time does not repeat itself. and what we think we are doing now is actually a part of history. our actions are quickly engulfed into the category of "history." so the plane or state we are in now is neither the past nor the future. we can be said to be in between these two time frames but then that middle portion exists only for a second. so do we simultaneously exist in the past and present? does time really exist or is it only some kind of contraption which humans use to label an abstract thing? so are we really living in absolute infinite time? our souls, spirits i think exist on a totally different level from our human bodies. thus, the human is a simultaneous being, existing on different planes and time frames, going back and forth thru time...entities that cannot be wholly defined - free-flowing, floating, wandering, learning, caring, experiencing, living, dying - all at the same time.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
daily routine
i am beginning to dread (that might be too strong a word...just simply "not look forward") to weekends. of course, weekends are a welcome respite from the homework-filled week but it's during the weekends that i find myself with too much time on my hands. time, which i don't know how to spend. part of that time will be spent studying but i don't want to be studying the entire weekend. i want to go walk around, sit in a cafe sipping coffee and eating cake, watch a movie...but doing those things alone doesn't seem really fun. i could ask my dorm mates out but they have their own plans at times.
so i've contented myself with staying at home - downloading songs, reading through japanese drama synopses (the japanese version of meteor garden is being shown here now ^o^ 花より男子 and i'm also watching あいのうた）, reading the japanese book i've borrowed from the library (children's book as it takes me about one half-hour or so to read a page. it's very tedious. but as angel said, you gotta start somewhere).
eric bought a kendo uniform (if you could call it that) today. it looks cool though it was a bit expensive. i've never seen one up close. only saw them in korean dramas. looks awesome ^o^
so i've contented myself with staying at home - downloading songs, reading through japanese drama synopses (the japanese version of meteor garden is being shown here now ^o^ 花より男子 and i'm also watching あいのうた）, reading the japanese book i've borrowed from the library (children's book as it takes me about one half-hour or so to read a page. it's very tedious. but as angel said, you gotta start somewhere).
eric bought a kendo uniform (if you could call it that) today. it looks cool though it was a bit expensive. i've never seen one up close. only saw them in korean dramas. looks awesome ^o^
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
just the right amount of chaos
i changed my layout today. though i don't like to have that much white in the background, i still decided to stick with this new layout because i love the photo. i've always wanted a room with a big bed and soft cushions, where i could just plunge, sink into after a long day. the photo represents a room that contains just the right amount of chaos...not too tidy, messed up in a way as to give the room a lived-in feel. these days, i've been rationalizing not tidying up as much as i'd like to by saying (or convincing myself) that a bit of a mess always makes a place look lived in, makes it look more like home - comfy, imperfect, carefree, free-wheeling. revel in the unruliness of it all. sometimes, it's nice to just let go and not think twice. whirling, swirling, tumbling - oh free-spirited one...
Monday, October 24, 2005
いつか
discussions with my dorm mates have centered on a number of different things lately. there are themes that are plain ridiculous, things that are discussed just for fun. there are other things however that make you reflect and think back on past experiences. one such theme is love - the human emotion that seems so complicated yet simple at the same time.
how can a four-letter word have so much power on a person? how can it change lives and perspectives and opinions and dreams? sometimes, it just consumes you. although it is not often articulated, i feel that one of my life's goals is to find someone to love and to love in return. it is not a top priority and i tend to push it out of my consciousness most of the time. it is just something that makes me feel insecure. control and knowledge are very important things. i want to know what it is going to happen in my life. i want to have something to grasp, something concrete. i welcome the unexpected but there must be something familiar with it. thus, i do not welcome the feeling of fear and uncertainty.
so love, in that sense, represents all that i fear, shun, and avoid. these past few days i have been able to witness the different situations and emotions love puts people through. i've often thought of love as a burden because it makes life more complicated. your life becomes intertwined with another and although, i consider this a beautiful thing, i feel that it is cumbersome in that when lives are too in sync or intertwined, you don't know where "you" end and "he" starts, then is it possible still to live for oneself? i guess what i simply want to say is that life in the long run is one and one's own only. sometimes i feel that loving someone too much means somehow "giving" your life to that other person and there's something eerie and wrong about being "connected" too much.
i do not know what ties two people together. i do not know why they choose to be together. the obvious reasons could be hobbies, interests, ways of thinking. Yet come to think of it, these are not enough. There is something else...something indefinable. Because a relationship is made up of two people and there is a moment when two people are able to connect so well that everything seems to be heaven-made. but circumstances change. people change. we experience more things. we see and meet more people. and when people change, do emotions and feelings change as well?
one day, i will come to understand these things...
how can a four-letter word have so much power on a person? how can it change lives and perspectives and opinions and dreams? sometimes, it just consumes you. although it is not often articulated, i feel that one of my life's goals is to find someone to love and to love in return. it is not a top priority and i tend to push it out of my consciousness most of the time. it is just something that makes me feel insecure. control and knowledge are very important things. i want to know what it is going to happen in my life. i want to have something to grasp, something concrete. i welcome the unexpected but there must be something familiar with it. thus, i do not welcome the feeling of fear and uncertainty.
so love, in that sense, represents all that i fear, shun, and avoid. these past few days i have been able to witness the different situations and emotions love puts people through. i've often thought of love as a burden because it makes life more complicated. your life becomes intertwined with another and although, i consider this a beautiful thing, i feel that it is cumbersome in that when lives are too in sync or intertwined, you don't know where "you" end and "he" starts, then is it possible still to live for oneself? i guess what i simply want to say is that life in the long run is one and one's own only. sometimes i feel that loving someone too much means somehow "giving" your life to that other person and there's something eerie and wrong about being "connected" too much.
i do not know what ties two people together. i do not know why they choose to be together. the obvious reasons could be hobbies, interests, ways of thinking. Yet come to think of it, these are not enough. There is something else...something indefinable. Because a relationship is made up of two people and there is a moment when two people are able to connect so well that everything seems to be heaven-made. but circumstances change. people change. we experience more things. we see and meet more people. and when people change, do emotions and feelings change as well?
one day, i will come to understand these things...
Friday, October 14, 2005
atsuta-ku library
today after class, eka and i went to kakuozan to buy gifts for nancy. the hourglass shop sabrina and i visited before had its interiors rearranged so i didn't recognize it at first. i liked the previous set-up better with all the pictures. now, it's filled with flowers and it looks kind of cluttered. but the environment is still the same...^o^
after that, i went to the ward library. since at the bookstores here, i can't seem to understand half of what is written in the books. at the library, i borrowed books for young children, not storybooks exactly but books that use simple grammar patterns and vocabulary. i would have liked to struggle with a hard text but i can picture myself giving up after a few pages from constantly searching the dictionary. it can be quite tiring. so better to read something i can actually understand.
in listening class today, we listened to a japanese song - 長い間 by Kiroro. It was a familiar song, oddly comforting, easy to understand and sing along too. i borrowed their CD at the library today. so these days, i've been trying to immerse myself in japanese. last night, i watched this show on tv about four people who are given only 10000 yen to spend for a month. expenditures including food, electricity, water...it was funny! esp when they had to cook dinner. one of them bought a bag of bread crusts for 20 yen and made "fried bread" as opposed to fried rice. they were really creative, making do with what they had and making their food (and money) stretch, last for days. plus a new drama started last night 熟年離婚. it seemed interesting so i'll probably watch it again next thursday. from the show, i realized that you can't really express anger using the japanese language. even when angry, people sound polite, compared to other languages...it's just hard to emphasize anger using japanese. i wonder why. hmm...
after that, i went to the ward library. since at the bookstores here, i can't seem to understand half of what is written in the books. at the library, i borrowed books for young children, not storybooks exactly but books that use simple grammar patterns and vocabulary. i would have liked to struggle with a hard text but i can picture myself giving up after a few pages from constantly searching the dictionary. it can be quite tiring. so better to read something i can actually understand.
in listening class today, we listened to a japanese song - 長い間 by Kiroro. It was a familiar song, oddly comforting, easy to understand and sing along too. i borrowed their CD at the library today. so these days, i've been trying to immerse myself in japanese. last night, i watched this show on tv about four people who are given only 10000 yen to spend for a month. expenditures including food, electricity, water...it was funny! esp when they had to cook dinner. one of them bought a bag of bread crusts for 20 yen and made "fried bread" as opposed to fried rice. they were really creative, making do with what they had and making their food (and money) stretch, last for days. plus a new drama started last night 熟年離婚. it seemed interesting so i'll probably watch it again next thursday. from the show, i realized that you can't really express anger using the japanese language. even when angry, people sound polite, compared to other languages...it's just hard to emphasize anger using japanese. i wonder why. hmm...
Thursday, October 13, 2005
sablier de verrier
the report for the kakuozan project is done and over with! praise God. i was at school by 8 today to practice with sabrina. the night before, i fell asleep while memorizing the script and woke up at 3 am but i was able to go back to sleep. the script i had to memorize because all the grammar had been corrected already and it's hard to improvise because i'm not sure of the vocabulary and the grammar. it was fun actually. there were 19 groups all in all and i understood almost all of the presentations even if they were delivered in japanese. so i guess, in some small way, without me actually realizing it, my japanese has improved, or my listening skills anyway. ^o^ though i still need to improve on my reporting and public speaking skills, my voice still tends to shake and tremble ever so slightly when i have to talk in front of a lot of people. sigh.
today was a good day. typical autumn weather. very cool and crisp and breezy. today at japanese culture class, we talked about sexism in the japanese language. i find that in terms of culture, the japanese and chinese are very similar. plus, talking to mawar(u), an indonesian friend of mine, makes class fun ^o^
tomorrow, i'm going to try to go to the atsuta-ku library to apply for a library card. i think that by reading, my japanese might improve faster, just like in english. reading makes things more fun. hehe. but that's just probably i'm a certified bookworm.
tonight i'm going to try cooking mushrooms and broccoli with mayonnaise. it's actually yummy. we had that during one of the dorm's weekly monday dinners. so i'm gonna try to do it on my own. the mayonnaise in japan is yummy and they come in these squeeze bottles, kind of like salad dressing bottles.
i guess i've gotten used to life here in japan. i feel more free and at home to experience and try new things, compared to before...日本の生活に慣れてきました。良かったね！
today was a good day. typical autumn weather. very cool and crisp and breezy. today at japanese culture class, we talked about sexism in the japanese language. i find that in terms of culture, the japanese and chinese are very similar. plus, talking to mawar(u), an indonesian friend of mine, makes class fun ^o^
tomorrow, i'm going to try to go to the atsuta-ku library to apply for a library card. i think that by reading, my japanese might improve faster, just like in english. reading makes things more fun. hehe. but that's just probably i'm a certified bookworm.
tonight i'm going to try cooking mushrooms and broccoli with mayonnaise. it's actually yummy. we had that during one of the dorm's weekly monday dinners. so i'm gonna try to do it on my own. the mayonnaise in japan is yummy and they come in these squeeze bottles, kind of like salad dressing bottles.
i guess i've gotten used to life here in japan. i feel more free and at home to experience and try new things, compared to before...日本の生活に慣れてきました。良かったね！
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
english conversation class
teaching a language always seemed to be easy enough. in french class, conversation seemed to flow easily enough. in japanese class, the teachers seemed to add enough fuel to keep the class going. today, it was my turn to experience being the "teacher." and what can i say? it's hard work. first of all, i only thought about topics and i didn't come up with a structure to frame all of these topics. so everything was just flying here and there, which wouldn't be so bad if there hadn't been moments of dead air.
overall, it was a unique experience. it wasn't entirely awful as i did get the people to talk and ask questions so there was actual conversation involved which was the purpose of this activity. but then again, i learned that it takes real effort (and even talent) and skill to maneuver a class in the direction you want it to go. it also takes conversational skills to keep a topic going. i wonder how my french teachers do that. they always seem to have a comment to something, then someone will comment on that and so on and so forth. real classroom interaction.
i did enjoy it however. i liked that i was "imparting knowledge." ^o^ and that the people were actually learning. i liked that i got to interact with different people, learn more about them. there were times when everything would click together and that was just really fun. i honestly feel that i could get used to this teaching business, teaching second language acquisition...it's a good option. today i talked to nakajima san, uchida san, shimada san, and nakagawa san. the latter was the only woman in the lot. they were nice people.
topics ranged from seasons to traveling to balut and "pitan/pikan" to politics to vegan/vegetarian to steven seagal and bruce willis (action movies) to korean dramas to sports (like how to play golf). next time, i think i should prepare a lesson plan just to keep things focused.
tomorrow is the day for the kakuozan report. so far, i've managed to memorize my part but not that well yet. i hope it goes well. ^o^
overall, it was a unique experience. it wasn't entirely awful as i did get the people to talk and ask questions so there was actual conversation involved which was the purpose of this activity. but then again, i learned that it takes real effort (and even talent) and skill to maneuver a class in the direction you want it to go. it also takes conversational skills to keep a topic going. i wonder how my french teachers do that. they always seem to have a comment to something, then someone will comment on that and so on and so forth. real classroom interaction.
i did enjoy it however. i liked that i was "imparting knowledge." ^o^ and that the people were actually learning. i liked that i got to interact with different people, learn more about them. there were times when everything would click together and that was just really fun. i honestly feel that i could get used to this teaching business, teaching second language acquisition...it's a good option. today i talked to nakajima san, uchida san, shimada san, and nakagawa san. the latter was the only woman in the lot. they were nice people.
topics ranged from seasons to traveling to balut and "pitan/pikan" to politics to vegan/vegetarian to steven seagal and bruce willis (action movies) to korean dramas to sports (like how to play golf). next time, i think i should prepare a lesson plan just to keep things focused.
tomorrow is the day for the kakuozan report. so far, i've managed to memorize my part but not that well yet. i hope it goes well. ^o^
Sunday, October 09, 2005
musical festival concert
i went to a concert this afternoon with B and Kanittha. The tickets were free, got them from a fellow dorm mate Lucio-san. All 7 of us were supposed to go but the others declined - homework, etc.
we got off at the sakae station and had to look at boards for directions as sakae is the downtown area of nagoya and very crowded. sort of like makati. there were around exits. but we were able to find the place ^o^
the concert was unique in a way that the "singers" or rather the choir or group was composed of around 80 people in their late 50's (mostly 55 and above). they sang mostly traditional songs and it was nice to hear them. i especially like Furusato as some of the Japanese foreign students in Ateneo sang it before. After the traditional songs part, there was the soprano part. Although the singers were really good, i didn't really enjoy it though it wasn't unbearable. the last two singers were really good. their voices were like instruments. astig! hehe. the harp performance i found enchanting. seldom do you see people playing the harp and i never realized it was such a complicated instrument - 67 chords and 7 pedals. it seemed like the lady playing it was just strumming and moving her fingers over the strings but i know that it must've been much more complicated.
the weather was good today. it was raining these past few days and today the sun finally broke out ^o^ it was such a lovely day. and sakae is a great place for a good walk. don't you just love the color of the sky? it's one of my favorite colors.
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