when i was 10 or 12, my parents often scolded me because i had a superiority complex. i thought that i was better than everyone else, that i needn't listen to what others said, that i did not need to report to anyone. it was probably because i did well in school and that i was okay in terms of social relationships. over the years, i think i've sort of gotten off my high horse. i've learned to take other people's feelings into consideration, learned how to see things from others' points of view. yet, there are times when that old part of me is struggling to be expressed, probably because it never really went away and was only repressed (hehe. psych!)
today, i found out that i had to re-write my reflection/thought paper about the section chief's visit and my opinions about the dorm. i don't know why it was wrong or why i had to rewrite it as B was the one who told me and not okaasan herself. it's not a big deal. but i was still kind of annoyed. i felt that i did a pretty good job on it. of course, i might feel more strongly about it because it was rejected. so i've been telling, or rather convincing myself that it's alright. there's nothing to be mad about. criticism never hurt anyone. i kind of feel that i'm bottling my emotions up but then shouting seems a bit over the top. i should try jumping up and down. or punching a pillow. and i'm mad at myself for being so affected by this minute issue...but i can't help myself. i shove it down and it keeps popping up, inching its way between the tiny crevices in my brain. maybe it might be better to sulk a bit, just to get it done and over with. >o<
i'm kinda frustrated as to why i'm beating myself over something so seemingly inconsequential. i think that it might seem like such a big deal because i've been used to people telling me good job and the like. so criticism strikes twice as hard. i just feel the need to rant for some lame reason. sigh. ego and pride. they can be such troublesome things.
~0~
on the lighter side of things, eric cooked an italian (or so it seemed) for his IJ700 homework. fried rice (one was chicken and egg, the other was cooked in tomato/spaghetti sauce) placed in red and yellow peppers respectively, topped with a sort of italian smoked cheese (dotted with black peppers) - the ones i ate at patricia's host family's place - and parmesan cheese. they were placed in the oven probably to seal the juices in. the preparation was kind of long but the end product looked really lovely and presentable.
i miss watching cooking shows. rachel ray sharing her anecdotes while cutting bread and popping something in the oven. ming tsai with his ceramic knife and unique asian fusion dishes. cooking shows have this uncanny ability to make me relax, watching the hosts/cooks whiz around the kitchen, adding a dash of this and a sprinkle of that...there just seems to be harmony in all the commotion...
~0~
patricia and i reserved the hotels for our 5-day trip (starting this sunday!). i think we managed to get decent yet cheap ones. now, i have to figure out the train route and then plan my budget.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
initiative
i have a part-time job! i didn't think i would or that it would be as simple but i got one! i went to mister donuts tonight for a 7 pm appointment. 伊勢間さん explained the rules to me, about clocking in and out, about attire, attitude, set phrases (like saying お疲れ様です upon arriving for work and saying お疲れ様でした。先に失礼いたします。) it was kind of hard for me to say it out loud, in the typical way a Japanese says いらっしゃいませ（irasshaimase!) in a loud, sort of high-pitched voice. But it was kind of like role playing and i must say i had fun, like being a totally different person. ^o^
So i'll have to go through a training process sometime this week. I still don't know what my work schedule will be...i still can't believe it somehow, i really am going to be able to work there. i get 800 yen per hour. it's okay i guess. the good thing is that the people seem nice, mostly part-timers, female college students. the atmosphere is pretty relaxed and friendly. i like that.
patricia and i have decided to go traveling next week, taking advantage of the 10-day break. yes! i am finally going to go traveling. most of the time, i want to go yet i don't have the initiative to plan anything. so here i am, checking train schedules and prices, hotels and scenic spots. the itinerary as of the moment includes nara, osaka, and hiroshima (and miyajima). i'm also thinking kobe and kyoto so it's a toss among all those places. but definitely hiroshima is the end point. so it's how we get there that's pretty much flexible. planning things gives me a feeling of excitement and tediousness at the same time. mostly, i like letting people decide everything. but lately, i've noticed that more people are asking about my opinion. they don't take my nods as satisfactory. so i guess somehow i am being forced to think for myself instead of just agreeing to what somebody says. so as i make my way through the dizzying time charts and railroads, i find myself smiling...perhaps a bit surprised at my sudden productiveness, perhaps excited by the prospect of traveling with friends, perhaps it's because i just got myself a part-time job, but most importantly, perhaps because i feel i'm growing as a person.
~0~
today's my mom's birthday! Happy Birthday! ^o^
So i'll have to go through a training process sometime this week. I still don't know what my work schedule will be...i still can't believe it somehow, i really am going to be able to work there. i get 800 yen per hour. it's okay i guess. the good thing is that the people seem nice, mostly part-timers, female college students. the atmosphere is pretty relaxed and friendly. i like that.
patricia and i have decided to go traveling next week, taking advantage of the 10-day break. yes! i am finally going to go traveling. most of the time, i want to go yet i don't have the initiative to plan anything. so here i am, checking train schedules and prices, hotels and scenic spots. the itinerary as of the moment includes nara, osaka, and hiroshima (and miyajima). i'm also thinking kobe and kyoto so it's a toss among all those places. but definitely hiroshima is the end point. so it's how we get there that's pretty much flexible. planning things gives me a feeling of excitement and tediousness at the same time. mostly, i like letting people decide everything. but lately, i've noticed that more people are asking about my opinion. they don't take my nods as satisfactory. so i guess somehow i am being forced to think for myself instead of just agreeing to what somebody says. so as i make my way through the dizzying time charts and railroads, i find myself smiling...perhaps a bit surprised at my sudden productiveness, perhaps excited by the prospect of traveling with friends, perhaps it's because i just got myself a part-time job, but most importantly, perhaps because i feel i'm growing as a person.
~0~
today's my mom's birthday! Happy Birthday! ^o^
Sunday, January 29, 2006
the socializing person
coffee table talk. i've always loved that phrase. it brings with it vanilla-tinged wisps of coffee, forks tinkling on ceramic plates, generous slices of strawberry shortcake, laughter among friends - idyllic and cozy. two things come into mind when i think of perfect scenes. one is the coffee table talk scene. the other is me by my lonesome, on a hammock-like wooden swing, wind gently breezing past my hair, sun shining. nature, lemonade, and a good book - who could ask for anything more?
last night, i stayed up until 4 am talking with eric. it was more of me listening to him talk but i learned or rather came to realize a lot of things. i've been thinking about environments. how a person is brought up, where a person is brought up - it makes a big difference in what kind of person the child will grow up to be. listening to eric talk about his responsibility as president of an organization, socializing with college friends - it made me realize how different practices, cultures, and environments can be.
man is not an island, which is why we socialize. socializing however does not equate to having friends. i was just wondering about the necessity of socializing, peer pressure. then again, i was also thinking about how people can't seem to see their own faults and so easily blame others. kind of like people not being responsible enough and not doing anything but getting mad when somebody does all the work for them. people have such fickle minds. which is why sometimes working individually is better than working in groups. it is through the latter though that we get to see different sorts of people, that we learn to tolerate personalities different from ours, that we learn to assert ourselves, that we learn who we are.
there truly are so many different types of people. it's frustrating and funny to see how all those personalities collide and blend. how relationships are formed and ruined. how we struggle with criticism. how we strive to assert ourselves yet have to remain lowkey for fear of offending people. bold and audacious. meek and soft-spoken. wily and cunning. average yet thinks he's superior. super smart but underestimates himself. the list goes on and on. people are such interesting species. i am amused at times by how insecurities lead to silly actions. i am appalled by how far some will go to reach their goals.
i feel that if i were to sit back and watch how all the different personalities, opinions, and cultures collide and meet, i would be in for the the time of my life. life's complicated. it's just amazing what sort of things happen during "personality clashes and encounters."
Amazing. Unbelievable. Relationships. Diversity. Human Nature
last night, i stayed up until 4 am talking with eric. it was more of me listening to him talk but i learned or rather came to realize a lot of things. i've been thinking about environments. how a person is brought up, where a person is brought up - it makes a big difference in what kind of person the child will grow up to be. listening to eric talk about his responsibility as president of an organization, socializing with college friends - it made me realize how different practices, cultures, and environments can be.
man is not an island, which is why we socialize. socializing however does not equate to having friends. i was just wondering about the necessity of socializing, peer pressure. then again, i was also thinking about how people can't seem to see their own faults and so easily blame others. kind of like people not being responsible enough and not doing anything but getting mad when somebody does all the work for them. people have such fickle minds. which is why sometimes working individually is better than working in groups. it is through the latter though that we get to see different sorts of people, that we learn to tolerate personalities different from ours, that we learn to assert ourselves, that we learn who we are.
there truly are so many different types of people. it's frustrating and funny to see how all those personalities collide and blend. how relationships are formed and ruined. how we struggle with criticism. how we strive to assert ourselves yet have to remain lowkey for fear of offending people. bold and audacious. meek and soft-spoken. wily and cunning. average yet thinks he's superior. super smart but underestimates himself. the list goes on and on. people are such interesting species. i am amused at times by how insecurities lead to silly actions. i am appalled by how far some will go to reach their goals.
i feel that if i were to sit back and watch how all the different personalities, opinions, and cultures collide and meet, i would be in for the the time of my life. life's complicated. it's just amazing what sort of things happen during "personality clashes and encounters."
Amazing. Unbelievable. Relationships. Diversity. Human Nature
Saturday, January 28, 2006
je parle francais
last night, i taught nancy and eric french, specifically how to introduce themselves. it reminded me of my first class in alliance. the lesson was pretty uneventful save for the fact that eric got kind of frustrated. foreign languages can do that to you. sometimes, all those words and sounds get mixed up in your head. you put different languages in their respective compartments yet they sometimes open their floodgates all at the same time. Chaos! People ask me how i manage to think in 5 different languages. The answer I suppose is that i mix them up. I am fluent in Fookien and English. The former because i grew up using it. The latter through school and constant use. Mandarin, I speak relatively well although i stumble with vocabulary. French, I studied since kindergarten and if i hadn`t gone back to manila, i would`ve been able to speak it fluently i suppose. It`s been around 7 years now, give and take. Mais, je ne le parle pas couramment. Quelle probleme >0< Japanese, I`m struggling with now. It frustrates me at times, my inability to master languages. I learn them, speak a bit, but am not fluent (native speaker level). 頑張ります！
*o*
eka, boe, mawar, and lia are here at the dorm right now, cooking up an indonesian feast. it seems fun, a group of friends gathering around to have lunch, share stories, and laugh. sounds like a scene from a movie, a perfect setting for a book.
*o*
i had this dream the other day. i forget where i was or who i was with but i think nini was there. the thing i remember is that i saw my grandfather. when i saw him, i just cried and cried. the place was bright i remember now. a room with the curtains drawn open, sunlight filtering in, giving the room a warm atmosphere. my grandfather smiled at me and hugged me. he looked the same, just as i remember him. i wonder why i had a dream about him out of the blue. i felt as if my heart would burst, from happiness, surprise, sadness perhaps - all sorts of emotions, just bursting to be let out. i woke up then i think, perhaps still half-dazed. that moment was special. i was able to see my grandfather for an instant. it was short enough to be special. if it were too long, i fear i would`ve disregarded it, like how we sort of "neglect" the people in our lives, (wanting to) shower them with utmost attention and love only when they're gone. the dream was fleeting. no words were exchanged. just a simple hug and smile and i felt loved. the world was right again.
*0*
tomorrow is chinese new year. nothing special here in japan. my mom called me this morning. i miss home. hehe. i want to eat tikoy. happy chinese new year everyone!! ^0^
*o*
eka, boe, mawar, and lia are here at the dorm right now, cooking up an indonesian feast. it seems fun, a group of friends gathering around to have lunch, share stories, and laugh. sounds like a scene from a movie, a perfect setting for a book.
*o*
i had this dream the other day. i forget where i was or who i was with but i think nini was there. the thing i remember is that i saw my grandfather. when i saw him, i just cried and cried. the place was bright i remember now. a room with the curtains drawn open, sunlight filtering in, giving the room a warm atmosphere. my grandfather smiled at me and hugged me. he looked the same, just as i remember him. i wonder why i had a dream about him out of the blue. i felt as if my heart would burst, from happiness, surprise, sadness perhaps - all sorts of emotions, just bursting to be let out. i woke up then i think, perhaps still half-dazed. that moment was special. i was able to see my grandfather for an instant. it was short enough to be special. if it were too long, i fear i would`ve disregarded it, like how we sort of "neglect" the people in our lives, (wanting to) shower them with utmost attention and love only when they're gone. the dream was fleeting. no words were exchanged. just a simple hug and smile and i felt loved. the world was right again.
*0*
tomorrow is chinese new year. nothing special here in japan. my mom called me this morning. i miss home. hehe. i want to eat tikoy. happy chinese new year everyone!! ^0^
Sunday, January 22, 2006
language barrier
i like learning foreign languages. i think it's because i can communicate with more people that way, possibly also to satisfy my eavesdropping urges. my stay here in nagoya has made me realize the barriers that different languages can bring.
i am friends with the people in my dorm. but i am closer to some people than others. one common thing about the people i am closer to is that they speak the languages i am comfortable using, like english and mandarin. sometimes, you'd like to share so much but are only able to truly relay a quarter because you can't express yourself eloquently. it's hard.
boe once said to me that indonesian guys are better than japanese. of course, she could be biased because she's indonesian. but it all boils down to communication. you're more comfortable around someone you could talk freely to, someone you can talk to without having to search for vocabulary, someone who can understand me when i mix fookien and english and tagalog.
people become friends because they share the same interests, because their personalities click. but in order for that to happen, for them to discover that they're on the same wavelength, to laugh about things together, they have to communicate. with so many languages in the world, isn't it any wonder that there are so many conflicts arising from misunderstandings, contextual lapses in translations and interpretations.
i am friends with the people in my dorm. but i am closer to some people than others. one common thing about the people i am closer to is that they speak the languages i am comfortable using, like english and mandarin. sometimes, you'd like to share so much but are only able to truly relay a quarter because you can't express yourself eloquently. it's hard.
boe once said to me that indonesian guys are better than japanese. of course, she could be biased because she's indonesian. but it all boils down to communication. you're more comfortable around someone you could talk freely to, someone you can talk to without having to search for vocabulary, someone who can understand me when i mix fookien and english and tagalog.
people become friends because they share the same interests, because their personalities click. but in order for that to happen, for them to discover that they're on the same wavelength, to laugh about things together, they have to communicate. with so many languages in the world, isn't it any wonder that there are so many conflicts arising from misunderstandings, contextual lapses in translations and interpretations.
saturday saturday
Yesterday, we went to a grade school to participate in a mochi-making activity. nancy and i were assigned to a first grade class. i talked mostly to a girl named kimura ryou who is half-korean. she can actually speak korean! she was really nice and accomodating. the children were all so welcoming and fun. i don't think children back home are as lively. they'd probably just sit there and have to be prodded on by the teacher to play with the guests. but yesterday, there was no need for warm-up. the children plunged right in and made us feel right at home. we played traditional japanese games. but the bean or rice-filled pouches (the kind used in playing mipao) were used to "pelt" people instead. in the end, it turned out to be a "hit-ojisan" game. so all the kids (who were girls) ganged up on eric. the kids had a super time.
i'm thinking i could be a grade school teacher. of course, i understand that i will have to deal with children every day for a few hours and everyone knows they can be little angels and annoying devils at the same time. still, it seems like a worthy profession to look into. i don't know. i'm a year away from graduating and i still can't give a definite answer when people ask me what i want to be in the future. not a very promising sign. i'm struggling with it.
yesterday, nancy told me about a short story she was reading about a girl who remembered everything but her name. very interesting. the author of that story also mentioned that there are some things, not big things but small things interspersed in our daily lives, that are coincidental. so nancy thought back on her life and remembered the library she used to frequent and she told us anecdotes related to the library. it was really interesting. i felt that my life was bland in comparison, in terms of love life that is. it's funny at times, how coincidental things and events can be.
watched before sunrise yesterday too. i love the dialogue, the banter, the chemistry between the two actors. it was a good movie ^o^
i'm thinking i could be a grade school teacher. of course, i understand that i will have to deal with children every day for a few hours and everyone knows they can be little angels and annoying devils at the same time. still, it seems like a worthy profession to look into. i don't know. i'm a year away from graduating and i still can't give a definite answer when people ask me what i want to be in the future. not a very promising sign. i'm struggling with it.
yesterday, nancy told me about a short story she was reading about a girl who remembered everything but her name. very interesting. the author of that story also mentioned that there are some things, not big things but small things interspersed in our daily lives, that are coincidental. so nancy thought back on her life and remembered the library she used to frequent and she told us anecdotes related to the library. it was really interesting. i felt that my life was bland in comparison, in terms of love life that is. it's funny at times, how coincidental things and events can be.
watched before sunrise yesterday too. i love the dialogue, the banter, the chemistry between the two actors. it was a good movie ^o^
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
elizabeth bennet and mr. darcy
i watched pride and prejudice today. i love movies set in early English societies - the English setting, the dialogue, the clothes, the balls and dancing. Don't you just love the accent? Sigh. ^o^ The movie reminded me a bit of Little Women. Even Keira Knightley looked like Winona Ryder (as Jo) at times. They both had the same fiesty indepence. I loved Matthew MacFayden's take on the brooding, arrogant yet sensitive and caring Mr. Darcy. I want to see how Colin Firth did on that role. After all, he did play Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary. It was fun and relaxing to just watch the story unravel for a few hours. Jena Malone was really effective as Lydia. She still looks the same from her Stepmom days. Mr. Bennet was endearing and frustratingly annoying at times. You could tell he cared for his daughters but at times, he just didn't do anything. But that last scene in the movie with him and Elizabeth was especially touching.
During those times, women only seemed only to worry about marrying to good partners. Marrying for duty - to not burden their parents, to pay off debts, to lead comfortable lives. It reminds me of Griet in Girl with a Pearl Earring - how she married the butcher. Watching such movies puts this idea in my mind that we should marry for love and settle for nothing less. I wonder though if it is possible to do so. Coz marriages that aren't built on romantic love also work well. So is it an illusion, a somewhat demanding expectation? Sometimes, people can't just wait an entire lifetime for true love to come knocking. In the end, we just accept and live with whatever life throws us...soulmates or not...true love need not be labeled by such terms...but such terms do make the notion of love more romantic. =P
During those times, women only seemed only to worry about marrying to good partners. Marrying for duty - to not burden their parents, to pay off debts, to lead comfortable lives. It reminds me of Griet in Girl with a Pearl Earring - how she married the butcher. Watching such movies puts this idea in my mind that we should marry for love and settle for nothing less. I wonder though if it is possible to do so. Coz marriages that aren't built on romantic love also work well. So is it an illusion, a somewhat demanding expectation? Sometimes, people can't just wait an entire lifetime for true love to come knocking. In the end, we just accept and live with whatever life throws us...soulmates or not...true love need not be labeled by such terms...but such terms do make the notion of love more romantic. =P
Sunday, January 15, 2006
howl's moving castle
just came back from a movie watching session (映画会). patricia invited a couple of us (me, ashley, and sarah) over. it was good to be at her place again - feels so homey and all. plus jory's cute! ^o^
we watched howl's moving castle. i loved it! the storyline was kind of typical-miyasaki but it was still great. my favorite character was markl and the scarecrow ^o^ it kinda hit me after i had watched the movie that people care so much about appearances. without the burden of trying or having to be beautiful or appear "acceptable," people have so much more confidence to do things.
it was also a junk food gorge fest - chips, ritz crackers, popcorn, and pizza! yummy!
it was just great fun ^o^
we watched howl's moving castle. i loved it! the storyline was kind of typical-miyasaki but it was still great. my favorite character was markl and the scarecrow ^o^ it kinda hit me after i had watched the movie that people care so much about appearances. without the burden of trying or having to be beautiful or appear "acceptable," people have so much more confidence to do things.
it was also a junk food gorge fest - chips, ritz crackers, popcorn, and pizza! yummy!
it was just great fun ^o^
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